It's five in the morning as I reach across the bed to wake you. In the gray morning light, I can just see the outline of the muscles of your back as I stroke your shoulders. Barely awake, you turn to me with your eyes still closed. I love the way your long, dark lashes curl against your cheek.
I slip my right arm under your neck and wrap my left leg over and under your right so that I can pull you onto your side.…
I need to vent.
I just discovered I don't have an application I need. I had no idea and didn't look until now. So, in desperation, I called Jack (yes, he's usually up this late) and told him what happened. He made me feel like the biggest idiot. I really HATE asking anyone for favors, even him, even though I do crap for him all the freakin time. I hate it when people make me feel like I'm stupid or like I'm really imposing on them.…
I took a nap. I love the way his pillows smell. I was more tired than I realized.
I put my clothes in a neat pile beside the bed with my cell phone on top. Figured I'd hear it ring when he called to tell me he finally left the office. I didn't.
Seems he called me three times on my cell and three times on his home number. I was fast asleep. He thought I had gotten mad because he made me wait and had…
There's a hole in the wall where the doorknob slammed when you punched the door. I can see the white plaster peeking through the colored paint. We put it there; me in my ignorance and you in your anger and frustration.
I don't know yet exactly how I feel about that hole in the wall.
Everything seems so effortless to me. I love you and whatever there is about you because of your paralysis that isn't what a "normal" man would deal with (or the woman…
Let me tell you a little story ...
When Jack and I first met, I will admit seeing him as "a guy" was the last thing on my mind. First off, I wasn't shopping for one and secondly, he didn't seem interested in me at all. He was also pretty high up in the company where I hoped to be some day and all I was thinking about was how to impress him with my work, not my ass.
Then one day I had to go…
Where are you today, Jack? Are you thinking about me like I'm thinking about you? Have you discovered yet that I've blocked you from sending me email, text messages, and calling my cell phone? I should have told you why, but I don't have the strength to see you. Not if I can't have you.
I think you always wondered about me- my motives, why I found you so attractive, why I wanted you. That was all you, you know. All in your own head. My…
Thank you for the birthday card - even if it was late. Thank you for signing it, "Love, Jack", even if it could have been by rote. I was glad to see you again, even if it was briefly.
You look well. No, that's not what I meant. You look fabulous. I could smell you as you sat next to me as I struggled to find safe things to talk about. Intoxicating.
I thought I missed you terribly until I saw you again and then I…
I miss you. I know all the things you say are true, that this isn't the right time for us and I need to do the right thing for those in my life now, but I miss you.
I miss how effortless it is to be with you, how you make me laugh and tease me. I miss the way you smell and the way you feel and the way you kiss. I miss sharing my day with someone who mirrors me in almost every way.