I'm not sure if this is gonna come out the way I want it to, but I'm gonna try.
I absolutely LOVE any physical contact that Chandler and I have. For the purposes of this entry, I'm going to focus on our ability to kiss one another, although this could be anything from kissing, to something as simple as holding hands, and anything and everything in between. In fact, I love it so much that there are times when I have strongly encouraged him to forgo using words, and just simply concentrate on communicating through physical contact. In recent weeks, he has gotten much better about following my lead, and knowing that if I'm not using words, it's probably a good time for him not to be either.
Truth be told though, making that physical contact takes effort and planning, and has little or no spontaneity. In many, many ways both of us have come to accept this for what it is, and even though we don't like it very much sometimes, work with what we've got, because at least we have what we do. He is able to do something though which does add just a bit more spontaneity to the situation if we don't necessarily have the energy or the time to make the physical contact happen. He is able to blow kisses.
In some ways, and to some of you, that may sound very childish, and very third-grader like, and maybe in some ways it is. However, he made a good point a couple of weeks ago when he looked at me, blew a kiss, looked at me expectantly to return it, and when I instead just simply said, "no", gave me a questioning look and then said, "but that's what you do when you can't give kisses, you blow kisses."
He's right, that is what you do, and I've wanted to be able to both an initiate it, and return it for very long time, but some reason, it's just not with in my physical capabilities. You would not believe the number of nights that I've laid in bed trying to make my mouth form those kisses, and ended up not having it work, so in turn giving up, feeling more defeated then I was when I started. So why have I told him no in the past instead of just telling him that it's not physically possible? I'm not really sure I can answer that, because I'm not really sure that I know the exact answer except to say that flatly denying him is easier for me then telling him that there's yet another aspect of our relationship, even though it is small, that's affected by my disability.
You know though, now that I think about it, I don't ever remember even blowing kisses to anyone as a child. With that being said, maybe the fact that I can't at this point has not only something to do with muscle control, but also the fact that I just simply never learned how altogether. If that's the case, that's just a bit sad. Nonetheless, there you have it, sweetheart. My lack of returning those very romantic air kisses isn't because I don't want to, but rather because at this moment in time, I can't. I can tell you this though: I want to be able to at some point, and therefore I have already vowed to myself, and am vowing to you here now that it is something I will continue to work on, and because I am as stubborn as I am, will eventually make happen, no matter how long it takes! 