As I write this, it's about 3:30 in the afternoon, and I'm so close to tears, I don't even know what to do with myself! To make matters so much worse, I'm all alone, just me and my computer and my microphone, no one else. I'm hoping that maybe if I write this, and voice it somehow, I'll feel better. God how I hope that's the case!
As most of you may or may not know, for the last seven months and four days, I've been in a depend 24 hours a day, seven days a week. As I said in the last post that I wrote about this, don't feel bad if many of you don't have a clue what I'm talking about because I haven't gone in depth with too many people because it has been such a personal issue. For once in my 24 years, I decided that some things were better left unsaid.
Anyway, as of yesterday, I decided to try to go back in underwear for the first time since this all started what seems like many moons ago. By about five o'clock yesterday evening I was ecstatic with excitement because I had been "free" almost all day long, and hadn't had any problems, and wasn't anticipating any either. I had even decided that I was going to go over to Chandler's to see if he would help me do something that I hadn't been able to do since this whole thing started.
At about eight o'clock, after I had eaten, gone to the bathroom, and done a few other miscellaneous activities, I made my way over there. When I got there, I said in what I thought was a very blunt, matter of fact, I want it now tone that I was back in underwear, and that I only had one thing on my mind! When I got no response the first time, I said it again, but this time much more aggressively. To no avail. It was at that point that I decided to switch tactics a little bit. I started showing him what I wanted rather than telling him. This tactic didn't really go my way either. Every time I got near him, he would instantaneously pull away, and move to where I wasn't sitting. This went on for about 45 minutes before I finally decided that I was just wasting my time, and could be doing much more productive things.
At about 10:30, I told him I was going to go home because I needed to be up early today because I had things I needed to do. Aside from a quick "okay", I got no response, which I must admit might have hurt even a little bit more than the rest of it. He didn't even try to stop me from leaving!
When I got back to my apartment, all I felt like doing was crying! What could have been a great opportunity meant so much to me, and I don't think he even realized it! You know, even when I was telling a close friend about what I was dreaming of doing last night, and then telling him that I knew it probably wouldn't happen, he said I was "getting ahead of myself!" On the surface, I wanted to believe he was right! I wanted to believe that I was getting ahead of myself, and that everything was going to turn out just the way I dreamed it would, with nothing standing in the way!
Deep in my heart of hearts, I was almost sure it wasn't going to end up that way, and it turns out that sadly, heartbreakingly I was right! I know some people who read this are probably going to disagree with me here, but I feel like I had the worst possible outcome ever! So, now, here I sit closer to tears than I was before I started writing this, still with no resolution. Where do I go from here? Who do I turn to now?? My family definitely won't understand! He doesn't seem to, and if he does, he had a very odd way of showing it! The only other person I can think of to turn to for support that will actually understand, won't be off of work, and home for at least another hour, so where do I go? Can I go anywhere, or am I just going to have to continue to be ready to cry, and all alone? 