I know I haven't blogged in a while, I've been kind of well I'll borrow a word my best friend Ash use to use. I've been feeling very numb I guess. When I went to my CF appoint ment back in October my doctor told me that my weight was causing me to have trouble expanding my lungs all the way and that was causing my heart to enlarge.... they told me to start excersizing and I would...but I hate going walking by myself and we're not allowed to walk animals in the parks around here so that won't help. And everyone I know is to busy to to go with me even for an hr every other day or so. So I signed up for a walking class this next semester so even if I have to walk al one I'll have to do it to get a good grade in the class.
So my doctor is writing a letter of nacessity to give to some doctors to try and convince them to agree to do the gastric bypass on me this summer. I'm scared about going through major surgery like that but it's gotten to where it's nessasary.
My heart enlarging is an even scaryier thought it's having to work harder to get oxygen to my body and it really scares me. I don't want to die there's still so much I want to do...... finish college, date, fall in love, maybe get married and have kids. Get a make over for my hair and ward drobe after I have the surgery(if I get to have it) and I've lost the weight. just get a whole new look and be a whole new me. I'd love to be able to travel to Ireland or Scotland or maybe austrailia or new zealand.
But traveling is expensive so pretty impossible so I'll settle for just feeling like I belong somewhere...that I fit in.... that ppl want me around and miss me when I'm not there. And if I get to have one more dream in my wish I'd like to be able to date a realy nice guy and maybe fall in love just once... is that to much to ask for?
I know silly fivilous things to wish for but when you feel scared and lonely the silly frivilous things are the only things you have to hold on to during the long nights.