My friend Bev passed away today. I hurt for her and I hurt for her family, but I laugh at an email she sent to me a while back. I've actually been able to use a lot of these in conversations.
Here's to you, Bev...
- Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!
- You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!
- How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
- Well this day was a total waste of make-up
- Well aren't we a fucking ray of sunshine?
- Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
- Do I look like a fucking people's person!
- This isn't an office. It's HELL with florescent lighting.
- I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
- I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
- YOU!... Off my planet!
- Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose.
- Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?
- I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
- Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
- Back off! You're standing in my aura.
- Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it.
- Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
- Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done.
- Ambivalent? Well yes and no.
- You look like shit. Is that the style now?
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
- I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
- A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.