Sure you have ppl that "say" they are your freinds, but then when you really need them. They arn't there or they don't seem to notice you whether you are there or not or that you haven't been around or they haven't heard from you in a while? My Ashton is gone, who was always there for me even when I didn't know I needed him at the time. He always knew when I needed him the most. Now that he is gone, who do I turn to? I have several ppl so "say" they are my friends or will be there for me, yet when I need them. They are around but it's as if I am invisible. I don't feel close to anyone anymore. Not even my family, my brother tells me to shut up when I just say Hi to him. Haven't heard or seen my sister in law since christmas but we haven't hung out together for over a year. And when she was around at christmas she didn't talk to me. So I guess she's figured out was a looser and such a geek I am.
Even Megan who I thought was a good friend hasn't bothered to call me at all in months, and when I called her she sounded bored to death as if she wished I hadn't called. She' hasnt' given me any plans about what her family is planning for her B day next week. She said months ago that i was invited. but I don't know what they or planning or even when they are gona have the party. I've asked several times but she wouldn't tell me. Other then her I don't have any other freinds that I hang out with in the real world.
And online...no on is there I leave ash's sn on my messenger hoping against hope that I'll be online and he'll bet there and he'll pm me and shout BOO! or Surprise! like he use to do when he came online after he had to be offline for a while for computer repairs or vacation. Ppl can say so many things but it's worthless without actions.
A friend to me is someone who asks how you are and watches for any hidden meanings in what you say/type to see how you really feel. They talk to you or send you e mails just to let them know they are thinking of you.Forwards are nice but annoying because they all pretyt much say the same stupid stuff. They arn't personal and so they dont' feel like the person who sent them actaly cares about you. It seems as though they feel obligated to send you stuff just so they don't have to talk to you.
I don't check my e mail anymore and I hardly sign into my messengers simply because I know there won't be anything or anyone there, except junk mail from ppl online that try and spam you or give you viruses or they want to make out with you.
I'm considering shutting down my messengers, and my e mail accounts and just stoping going to chat rooms and things simply because they are a waist of time becuase no one is there and even when I don't come one for days at a time no body notices because when i do come back on they don't talk to my anyway. they act as though I've been there the whole time and so it dosen't matter that I"m there now. And I say I am in pain or upset...it feels as though they are ignoring everything I say or just humoring me for something to do. I feel as though no one really cares point blank. and there's little to convince me other wise to don't even try it becuase it will just taper off and stop all together just like it does every day.
Ppl say Actions speak louder then words well... I don't think either speak very well because ppl don't try when they are acting or talking. It's always a half hearted effort or no effort at all. Dont' try to convince me other wise because It's been this way since I started comeing online every day in 6th grade and it never improved until ashton came into my life and he was the only one who made a difference but now he is gone and so the light, love, and the only genuine friend I ever had is now gone.
If someone asked me to name my freinds, I couldn't name anyone simpley because I have no friends. I have ppl that I know but I can't consider them freinds because it just dosn't feel like friendship. I don't feel as though I can tell them everything about me, I dont' feel as though my secrets or private thoughts and feelings would be safe with anyone, not even on this journal or in any written,typed, or spoken form. They stay in my head and heart...the only places they are safe. And there is where I guess they'll remain until I die. I shall retreat back to the only friends I had before Ashton came,they only existed when Ashton was not around me like at school. Books, books have never let me down, they are always there and always have been and always will be. And so I guess back to them I will return and stay.