Nadia's Writings

On The Outside Looking In

I have  always felt I did not quite fit in amongst the people of the 80's when I found myself once again alone living a life without a partner And I knew nothing of men except for the unwanted liberties men tried to take from me as young as 7 when I was very young; unprotected in hospitals in the mist of strangers; sensing even then something was very wrong!

Then once again I was thrusted out into a harsh world  old enough now but still very naive and still knew nothing of men.  I was asked many times if I was from this generation?  Men seemed to  expect me to peal down my clothes after an eye-glance or handshake.  No one seemed to want to get to know me and this depressed me time and time again as I fought off many advances even though I too had many urges; I wanted to release but kept my feelings suppressed for I did not think most of them worth my attention; not because I thought they were beneath me but because they were only interested in instant gratification.

They expected me to be to oblige them; perhaps because of my imperfections and that made me hold out even more not to mention their obnoxious attitudes, Somehow my disabilities seemed to give men a green light as if to say i should be grateful for thier attentions.

This mere fact and the fact of being born poor has given me a hard veneer that only special people can see though 'if they were curious enough to want to dig down deep; which was my secret disire.  And to tell you the truth; this has also limited me; building walls around  myself.

I have learned to live without; to live within myself; with myself and to enjoy myself.  Not many people can live alone for too long; they say ;for we are put on this earth to gather.  I Would love to shine with someone in the sun; sharing my fun once more.  Would'nt mind being left out in the rain washing away the pain with every new tear the fear would dissappear fresh; feeling safe; warm and home again!