Amber's Abode

New and wonderful journeys

Well, this is going to be a fun one to write and a hard one, all at the same time.  I was debating whether to write it at all, but I need to, if I'm going to be able to be honest with this blog.

Right now, I am lonelier than I've ever been in my whole life.  While this sounds like a bad thing, and it really is, it also stems from a really good reason.  There is love in my life again.  Real, true, in love type of love.  That I'm pretty sure goes both ways, for a change.  :-).

Most of my readers probably know that my out-of-town company mentioned in the last couple of entries was Daniel, coming to visit me for extended time for the first time in a little over 10 years.  There is some back story to that which doesn't feel like being written down today.  But the actual visits were the most wonderful thing.  You know that little period of time you usually have when a visitor comes over where you are both getting used to each other's space and routines?  It can be a little awkward sometimes.

Well, there was none of that in these visits.  It was just instantly comfortable, like we were both home.  We didn't do anything truly amazing as far as you sometimes go out of your way to do when you have visitors, like let's go to every tourist attraction in town, or the county fair, or whatever.  Daniel and I just wandered around the city and at night just sat and watched the science Channel or read our kindles, or worked with our computers.  And we talked as a backdrop to all of this about whatever came to mind, or just sat silent.

He even made me feel comfortable in situations which would have been extremely embarrassing around anyone else, including a surprise but necessary trip to the ER when somebody here pulled out my catheter.  Nine hours later, after being there to help me make sure that I actually got taken care of in the way I was supposed to, he stayed up with me and provided necessary help when nobody here did because of the negative side effects of all of the pain medicine I was on.  And there was no frustration about it.  Just I am here and this is what you need, so this is what I give.  It was completely and utterly amazing to me, but I realize it shouldn't be that amazing, because that is how I was supposed to be treated all along.  With both love and respect.  If you don't really have both, you're missing the complete package.  But still, I want to say thank you, kind sir, for reminding me that I both deserve and am worth both.

The other thing that is so amazing when it probably shouldn't be is that suddenly I am enough.  Before, in any of my relationships, friends or otherwise, I always felt like I had to work extra hard, overcompensating for my "faults" to try to make the other person want to be around me.  And with able-bodied people, that meant trying to look nondisabled in every way possible.  With Daniel, there is absolutely none of that.  Whatever I can give back is what he requests, nothing less, but definitely nothing more.  I am enough.  And I think only people that have struggled with other people's expectations for them their whole lives, especially my disabled readership, will understand why this feels utterly mind blowing.  There is a strength and a beauty that comes with it that I've never ever experienced before.  And I know that I never want to lose it.

I'm not even exactly sure when the love level of this came about.  It snuck in quietly, because we were so comfortable with however things were.  At least it was quietly for me.  Meaning that there was no one moment when an angel choir was singing in my head and I can point back and say this is when it became elevated to love.  I just one time happened to look inside and noticed it was there.  But I wasn't even really surprised.  Blindsided, kind of, but not surprised in a scary way.  We have been friends for around 13 years, so it was kind of like just noticing something that felt like it had been there all along.  We still don't talk about it all that much.  It just is.  Although I know I shouldn't speak for him.  He may have a different perspective.

What I do know is that I'm deliriously happy and crushingly sad at the same time.  I keep looking around expecting to see or hear him.  Especially on a day like today, cloudy and winter like.  But I can keep busy because I have a goal to find a way to bridge or get rid of the distance between us.  One way or another in my life, I will find my home.  So thankful now that I know that I have one.

In the meantime, I keep doing little "mundane" things to keep myself busy, so that I don't spiral downward into deep depression.  Like after I post this, I'm going to use some of the money I won at a bingo game here to watch the new Harry Potter movie.  I'm actually really excited about that, but it's hard, because I want him to be here for all the mundane little things.

But I'm grateful for the difficulty, because it means that while we're lacking right now is awesome, and it always will be, whatever it is.  And now I know I'm strong enough to make it through whatever, and beautiful enough, and I didn't even need Gary Smalley.  Laughing.

I'm sure I will post more about this part of my journey as it progresses.  I don't remember being this content with myself, my surroundings right now notwithstanding, in a very very long time.  Thank you for that, kind sir.  It has been the biggest blessing in my life.

But for now, I'm off to Hogwarts.

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