Amber's Abode

Eras and boundaries: a blog in three parts

It's a little ironic how sometimes the day blogs for itself.  I was going to write about a couple of completely different eras ending for me, and when I turn on my computer, I find that both Ferrah Faucet (spelling probably incorrect) and Michael Jackson have both died today.  Ed McMahon was apparently yesterday.  I know all of these people represent different eras for people who may be reading this.  For me the strongest connection was pulling my sisters and their friends on roller skates via a jump rope tied to the back of my chair around the carport and down the driveway to the strains of Michael Jackson songs from thriller and bad the albums.

I was never really a fan of much of his later music, though I did enjoy the earlier stuff with the Jackson five, back when he knew whether he was black or white.  Sorry, I just had to do it.  His version of I'll be there remains much better than the Mariah Carey clone of a couple of decades later.  And I thought it was funny to hear a little 10 year old kid sing about what sounded like pretty adult feeling love on a playground.  But I did feel for him despite all of his challenges.  Because being on the fringe part of the queer community, I've begun to understand that he was most likely gender queer, not sure which gender, let alone race, suited him better.  I think if he would have just "come out" about this, the public would have treated him with a little more understanding and compassion.  At least I would hope so.

The lady from Charlie's Angels was a bit before my time, so that's what I know her for, but I know she was a legend in her own right.

And all I know about Ed McMahon was that he never showed up at my door with a big cardboard check; but I'm pretty sure he was a well-rounded comedian or TV star in his earlier days.

I hope that they each have found some peace and am sending positive energy toward all their true loved ones who cared about them beyond the hype and media. 

***

No, the eras I was planning to write about were more kind of introspective.  The first is a bit lighter because I got to go see my first Broadway musical live ever on Tuesday, Rent.  I was so excited because I got a good box seat for the cheapest ticket price.  There are some advantages to being in a wheelchair.  Very few, but some.  Also, the two male leads from the original workshop and Broadway cast were performing with the company.  This is probably because this is the show's 12th and final year, and they wanted to help put to bed what they had helped create.

This show is completely amazing.  Loosely based off the Puccini opera La Bohème, but modernized.  So instead of dying of tuberculosis, the bulk of the characters are living with HIV.  But it is not largely a sad piece.  The music and energy and message is so life-affirming.  Mostly about living life to the fullest, knowing that you really have no day but today. 

The story is made even more amazing when you discover that the creator was driven to finish it at a feverish pace and died of a heart attack the night before the workshop was to open, after coming home from seeing the last dress rehearsal.  So he knew he had succeeded, Mr.  Jonathan Larson did, but he had no idea how big it was going to get.  The family and cast decided to do the opening as planned, but instead of blocking it all with the usual dancing they were just going to sit still on tables in front of an audience of family and friends of Mr.  Larson and do a sing through.  That idea lasted for about 15 minutes, and then everybody knew they had to get up and dance.  So they did, and at the end, the audience just went crazy.  After the thunderous applause died, though, everyone just sat completely still.  Nobody knew when or how or where to move.  Then it is said that after a couple of minutes of this silence, a single male voice from somewhere in the house said, "thank you, Jonathan Larson."  This broke the spell, and everyone went on their way.  But people have not stopped coming back since.  And I count myself very blessed to be able to have seen it in person before it closes for good.

They accidentally did not charge my chair here the night before, so when I got out of the play I was running really low.  I did not know the protocol for waiting by the stage door for the actors, nor did I know where the stage door was.  I just knew I had to find my way back to a train while I could still get home safely.  But it means that I did not get to say hi to Anthony Rapp, the person playing Mark, whom I had been communicating with by my space letter from time to time.  I'm really sad about that, and I've thought about trying to go back and find the stage door tonight and just wait by it when I know the play is going to end.  But I don't feel very energetic today, so I don't know if I will or not.

***

The other era ending has to do with me coming from a kind of weakness into strength.  And also knowing that I deserve to be, and can be, treated like everybody thinks a woman should be treated.  I have this friend who is going through a really hard time right now.  This is understandable in regards to their stress level, but there's only so much I can and should be expected to take and chart up to their stress level.  For example, they always come around when they need something, and expect me to be just sitting around waiting for them.  And when I'm not, boy, do sparks fly.  But in between, I don't hear a single word.  Haven't now for a week.  But they are probably pouting or something, because the last time I did see them was not good for them at all.

The day before the last time I saw this person, who will not be named here out of respect, nor in spoken conversation out of the same respect, they called and said they were coming over.  Not a question, a statement.  Well, I already had my out-of-town company at that point, and neither me, my company, or the person apparently on their way, does very well in more than one on one type of situations.  So I expected it to be uncomfortable, but I tried not to worry about it too much because my friend who called doesn't always come over when they say they're going to, even after they say they are on their way.  And other than the really crappy timing, I was excited to see this friend if they did show up because I had not heard from them at all in a long time.

Well, show up they did.  And sparks did fly, because I think they were expecting to crash on my floor and were very surprised to see that temporarily, that position had already been filled.  So we all tried to make polite but meaningful conversation for a half hour until the person had to catch the train back.  But apparently, my poor friend had something really important in a bag that they left over here.  Before this person left, I told them that I would see them on the day my company left and they promised they would come over.  I specifically also asked them not to bring their roommate into my house because roommate freaks me out a little.  They agreed and left in a hurry, forgetting the really important thing.

So they called the next morning asking when I would be available for them to come retrieve the forgotten item.  I told them the next day after a certain time in the morning when my out-of-town company was planning to leave.  Apparently, they decided they couldn't wait that long.

Because at 1130 that night, when we had already gotten situated for bed because my company had to wake up really early, my phone rang.  We ignored it, but then I got a weird feeling.  So I listened to the message.  My friends roommate's voice was telling me that they were in the parking lot and wanted to come up and say hi and retrieve the all-important forgotten item.  I became angry, because I'd already clearly given a boundary of the next day, and I also clearly had given a boundary regarding the roommate who was also now in my parking lot.  Two seconds after I deleted the message, determined to just try and sleep until they gave up and went home, one of the workers who can hear came up and apologized that they had rang the doorbell and pushed their way past her when she went to check to see who it was.  (The front door of the building is always locked after dark.)  So the worker came in to retrieve the all-important forgotten item to deliver to the two people who were out in the hall.

But by then I was angry enough that I wanted to talk to my friend so that they knew or could try to understand why I was angry and felt this was inappropriate.  So my out of town company went out into the hall to make sure the roommate stayed out and sent my friend in.  I tried desperately to communicate to my friend through my frustration that I did not feel respected or even safe because of this huge ignoring of the boundary that I had set.  Of course my friend wanted to make it all about the fact that I had company and didn't want the two to run into each other.  I did not, because I knew uncomfortable would ensue, but that wasn't the point.

The point was and is that I am trying to become stronger and not let people just walk all over me.  And no means no, even if it's not in a sexual situation.  It has to, for the safety of all involved.  Sometimes the safety is only emotional, as it would've been in my local friend's case, sparing them the uncomfortable feelings.  Sometimes the safety is physical, as it would be in the situation of outward abuse with bruises and stuff, which is not the case here.  Sometimes, the safety is or feels like a combination of both.  Like it did to me.  I know my friend would never physically hurt me, but I did feel a little physically scared, because somebody had intruded into my home when I was almost asleep.  And your home is the one place where you are supposed to be able to feel safe.

Now I understand that my friend is used to just being able to drop in whenever, and it must have been confusing for them that for this short time, the boundaries were different.  But still, those boundaries were clearly set, and because they were so brazenly violated, brazenly meaning my friend did at the time and probably still thinks they were in the right, I now find it obvious that this friend, who claims to care for me very very much, might indeed care for me, but doesn't really respect me. 

This is further proven by the fact that they broke their promise and did not come on Friday after my company left, when I really needed them.  Also, there is the fact that I have not heard one single word from them since.  And probably will not for a very long time.  Until they need something from me again.  Or they get a twitch on their internal radar someday that I have some company again.  Then they will be back for a random surprise visit. 

I know they're busy and find it hard to find privacy to communicate with me now, but it doesn't take privacy to be able to say hello I'm alive and thinking about you. 

So I'm really really hurting quite a lot over this, because this person is one of my very best friends, and I have done quite a lot to show them this and help them through the very hard time they are going through.  So I don't know if all of it is gone out the window for good according to them, or if they are just being quiet because they are honestly really busy trying to pick up the pieces in their life.  But I have decided not to "chase after them" as much as I did before, knowing that if they want to communicate with me they will.  This is where the newfound strength comes in, because I used to really panic if I didn't communicate with this person on a daily basis.  And now I feel like they need to be the ones to make a little effort.  Besides that, communication with them at the moment has to be through the roommate pretty much, which is not really comfortable for me.

If you do read this at some day or time, my dear friend, know that I have loved, and always will love you.  I miss you terribly, and want you back regularly in my life, but not as a person to fight with, as an equal whom I can gladly help and support, and also receive help and support from.  In that spirit, I will always willingly and gladly do whatever I can for you.  I pray for your everyday, and hope that your current seemingly constant struggle will be over soon.  You can do it.  I believe in you.  Just remember that you are not alone, and try not to push away all those who try to help you.  Tight hugs.

The other part of the newfound strength is knowing that I deserve the respect and other good things I am lacking, and believing that I can somehow someday achieve these goals of receiving them.  I used to deal with letting people like this friend and my family walk all over me because I figured I had to in order to keep everyone happy.  But I wasn't happy.  I still am not very happy, because I miss people and there is emptiness in my life, but I am a whole hell of a lot stronger now because I know that I deserve the same respect that everyone else does.  My home is still, and always should be, my safe place. 

My life is my own, I don't have to flinch because I don't have permission or approval from other people.  I can choose where my home is, and what I want to do in it.  My family, the bulk of it, and all the other people who made me feel like this is not true, can go screw themselves.

I wrote this down for me to remember it, and also for the other people who read it, to see my newfound discoveries in their life maybe and realize they are not alone.  Feel free to dialogue with me about any part of this.

Sorry this got to be long and the content of three separate blogs in one, but thank you for reading it if you have made it this far. 

For now, I am done writing, and though I am scared to publish it, I find I am something else completely new to me.

I'm proud of myself.

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