It's strange, but I feel a little confused. I don't know if I can explain properly.
A little under a week ago, I was dying. My body knew it, and so did my spirit, and I was struggling to somehow remain calm about it, because there was nothing I could do to change anything.
Now, I am alive. I feel like I'm supposed to. I have more energy than I remembered was even possible. I am so grateful.
And yet I feel so confused because there is so much energy and so many things that I am suddenly able to do that I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions simultaneously, which creates its own fatigue, as well as a kind of depression that I feel guilty for even feeling because I'm so much more alive than I have been in over three years. But it's there nonetheless.
Is this normal?
It kind of actually feels like what a system reboot might feel like if I were a computer. How nerdy is that? But it feels like an accurate description.
Anyway, the weather is awesome now but I'm still staying close to home mostly because of the residual effects of antibiotics which I'm finally free of, hopefully for a really long time. Unfortunately I mean I'm free of the pills, not the residual effects. That will last another 24 hours or so, probably.
My friend Nick got me started on the series Sex and the City the other day. I think I was one of a total of three people on the planet who had never seen it before. Unfortunately, we just watched some random episodes, because he didn't have season one available. I don't know if it will ever become a favorite, but I get why it was so popular now. It's funny, and although I will never understand people that go to coffee and then jump into bed, apparently that adds to the humor, which it does. Once I see a few more episodes, I will check back and tell people which I relate to the most of the four girls. Right now, although I can't remember names, I like the redhead the best, and although I wish I could relate to her more, I find myself annoyingly relating to the main character, which is interesting because she bothers me. :-).
I also find myself kind of sad over what appears to be going on in the family behind the show Jon and Kate plus eight. I watched it pretty religiously to see how they coped with two sets of multiples. And although the putdowns from Kate on camera are numerous, and so are the whiny spells from Jon, it seemed to work.
Until six months ago when there was some tabloid article about Jon making out with some girl on the beach in Hawaii, where they had traveled to, of all things, renew their wedding vows. At least I think that's what the article was. I'm not even really sure, because I don't read those.
Now I'm sure there are things going on on both sides, but the way they're handling it is actually pretty atrocious. They are refusing to do interviews together for the show, and Jon is never around, and Kate says she wants to do what's best for the kids, but she is all dolled up and poised for her interviews, loving the media attention, and insisting that the show continue, even though her kids are being accosted by paparazzi now. Sigh. Obviously not what's best for the kids. If they would listen to me, I would tell them to end the show and work on their family, whether or not there is a divorce. Those kids are going to be scarred for life, and that is triggering for me. Jon has been asking Kate, even on camera, to end the show, and she refuses.
The youngest kids are five now, more aware than ever of what is going on. Of course, this whole thing could be a media/ratings ploy. You never know.
I'm sorry. I'm not sure why I launched into that. I guess because I was thinking of it because of my own parents and their divorce. Dad says that he is glad that they held out until five years ago for the sake of my sisters and I. But now I wish they would've done it earlier. I might have had a much happier existence as a teenager. But once again, you never know.
Maybe I will discuss it in a psychology class when I go back to school in the fall. I really want to go to Portland State University, to get my bachelor's degree at least, and maybe study something to do with writing, like journalism.
Anyway, that's enough babbling for now. Enjoy the start of summer.