I've been trying to blog for a few days because a lot is happening, but it's hard to find the words. My third year of blogging here began on March 5, and I wanted to write some words about my perspective on all that has happened. But there's too much going on currently and a lot of energy is needed to go through it let alone blog about it with my usual depth of writing. So I just haven't. But I need to now.
In the beginning of this blog, I used to mention my friend Max by name. He's been my best friend for like four years. Also in a wheelchair, I met him at a dance class for disabled people, pretty much, although I had seen him before. Having similar experiences, we became fast and really deep friends. He told me recently that he has always felt like we were partners without, unfortunately for him he says, the physical part of the relationship. That is only because we are both disabled enough that that part of it is/was impossible without help, which we never found anywhere. Although I didn't know he wanted it and I would have been uncomfortable with looking. I am mostly glad it stayed that way it has. I was raised with my father in the military, so I never had long friends, because we always knew someone could move away at any moment. So Max is really my first long-term best friend. I am so grateful. He has been there for me in many ways, protecting me and me protecting him, although sometimes I went overboard to do so. But I don't regret trying. I don't regret any of my intentions. Just my actions sometimes. But that's pretty universal.
Well, Max has a progressive and heretofore really unnamed form of muscular dystrophy, and is now facing the biggest transition ever, from this life into whatever's next. I've been debating whether to type about this, because I don't want to disrespect him, but it's the hugest thing going on for me right now, although I acknowledge that it's bigger for him. And he can no longer really access this blog to read it, so I have decided to keep typing and post this, so that I can put out prayer/energy requests for me as well as him and his family.
Now people that I've known for a while tell me by way of a don't panic type of reminder that people have been saying that my dear friend would die any minute for the last two years. This is true. But this time is different. He is completely at peace with it now and ready for it. He is now very strong in the Catholic faith again, so that is helpful to him. This time, he has consciously chosen to stop eating and also stop taking any life helping or sustaining medications, only drinking juice and water and milk and taking those medicines which help him with pain, although those levels are no longer really therapeutic for him and the doctors are hesitant to raise the dosage because they feel like they or he are giving up on the situation. And hospice will not take him and tell them, mostly for lack of funding. So he mostly sleeps now, although we still talk on the phone sometimes, with varying degrees of coherency.
I went to see him last Friday in person, and he slept a lot then as well. But he was awake sometimes, and I brought over a document he had me type of a list of things he wanted to make sure everyone knew in the event he could no longer communicate his wishes for himself. That was a little awkward and energy consuming, writing that document, but it's an important thing because, although probably not legally binding, it added to his peace, and that's a very good thing.
But it's hard for me to process on my own sometimes, because I really don't know what to expect in the world without his physical presence. I know he will still be with me, but I've never lost anyone really close to me before. It makes me kind of exhausted and more lonely than I usually am.
And then there are the other things. The biggest of these is my health. No more noticeable bladder infection, but my output is still limited, even with a brand-new catheter. So now the doctor is worried about kidney infection or other malfunction, and on Friday afternoon I have to be at the University Hospital, called Oregon sciences and health University here, so they can do one of those painful to me dye injecting kidney function tests with ultrasound, to see where the malfunction is if any. I'm really really worried. But I'm also hoping they find something, just so they can fix it.
And I've been limiting my activities until then because of excruciating pain. Sorry to the few people who have been calling me. I have decided that if I just can't handle it, I will not. And the reason why I am mostly letting my voice mail pick up is that I know that every direct conversation has turned into one bad health litany after another. And I know if I am this tired of it, you all must be.
Also a couple of my very good friends have lost their jobs, and even though I must conserve my energy, I found myself trying to send positive energy out to them as well. It's what I do, even when I'm totally exhausted for myself.
The other major worry for myself right now is money. They shut off my Internet because they said I didn't pay them even though I did. And though they are looking into it and will refund me when they find their mistake, I had to pay what they thought I owe, plus the reconnection fee. So I last checked yesterday and I was down to six dollars, and the pharmacy hasn't withdrawn yet, so I'm probably going to end up under again. I will be okay, as an I will not starve, but I'm so frustrated. Because this always happens to me no matter how hard I try. I'm beginning to debate closing the account and just using a sock under the bed. I tried to ask them to take away the overdraft ability, but they said it takes a month to process. So, if anyone is willing or able to help me out with the tip jar, I would be very grateful. But again do not worry. I will not starve. And thank you to all of us who have already contributed in times before.
To counteract all this negative, I've been really trying to find something positive. So somebody recommended this book and DVD called the secret. I don't have the book yet, but the DVD came from Netflix. The basic premise is the Law of attraction. Every thought, according to this theory, has its own magnetic signature, and goes out into the universe, (i.e. God?) which finds a way to send whatever you "wish" for back to you. So if you spend your life thinking negative thoughts you will be surrounded by the manifestation of those thoughts. Like I'm always late or whatever, then you always will be. And the reverse is that if you can find a way to send out positive thoughts, than those will come back to you. I have always sent out positive energy toward other people, but never to myself. And when you're making positive wishes, according to this theory, the more specific the better. So you can actually visualize it happening to you. Then the universe has a visual magnetic signal and picture of what to send back to you. It hasn't worked for me yet, but I keep trying. And almost everybody I've talked to that knows about this says that it does work for them, and has given me specific examples. I will type more about this as I learn for myself.
For now I'm exhausted and must try to rest a little before my energy is needed again. Blessings to you all.