Amber's Abode

96 tears. Half smile.

So know that I can finally talk without coughing, I thought I'd update you all.  I went to urgent care and discovered I had bronchitis and a sinus infection.  The good news is that they were able to give me medicine for it.

The bad news is that my insurance refuses to pay said medicine, cough syrup with codeine, because it is considered a cold remedy, preventative medicine.  This made me really angry.  I can't buy stuff at the store because the people here are not allowed to administer any medication to me without a doctor's order, even if it is just over-the-counter stuff.  This means that since I can't give myself the medication, and they have to put it in my mouth, they are responsible for it so in order to cover their rear, they have to get a doctor's order for everything.  This is stupid to me, but it also makes sense.  However the fact that I have to pay for it does not make sense, because it does not Robitussin DM, it is with codeine, and you can not, absolutely can not, get that over-the-counter.  So now I have to pay $12.50 I don't really have.  Plus they gave me regular Robitussin DM for during the day because codeine puts you to sleep.  But for some unknown reason, I have to pay for that too.  Yet another $12.50.  Curious, because you can buy it at a store for half that.

So because of all of this, I have five dollars in the bank right now.  And then I get another bill in the mail from the pharmacy in the suburb I just moved from.  Apparently, my insurance won't pay for a cream I have to have applied to myself every day to prevent what is basically called diaper rash, because skin breakdown is a bad thing.  They also won't pay for the cranberry pills I take to keep bladder infections at bay.  This all came to an out-of-pocket total of a little over $20 a month.  But this pharmacy does not have a website where you can pay online.  So I was relying on my then caregivers to take some cash I gave them every month and give it to the people that delivered the medications every month to our house from the pharmacy.  That's where it gets interesting.

I'm not blaming my caregivers because they were nothing but good to me, but obviously somebody was pocketing something somewhere, because a couple of days ago, I get a bill in the mail from that pharmacy for $96.35!  I wept for a minute, because that is more money I do not have, and it means I'm going to be broke for at least a month, maybe two, before I get to actually see money that I do not owe people.  And I wanted to save up for house decoration from and maybe a little Christmas fund.  Sigh.  Maybe next year.  It's so discouraging.  Because of all this sickness and financial worry, on top of worrying about friends who need me, I just want to know where I can go to give up sometimes.  People say I'm so strong, but I definitely do not feel like it.

In other news my family has been around a little, "organizing my apartment," which is a coded phrase actually meaning violating my privacy in almost every way possible, including opening all my mail, and seeing the above mentioned bills, but not offering to help, because "they already do enough." Also, in the very embarrassing category, because I am so deprived of human contact lately, except in a caregiving sense, I have come close to sexual release a couple of times from a nice female caregiver, one of the few that actually take the time to make sure I'm clean in all areas.  I've managed to avoid it both times so far, but barely.  How embarrassing.  The poor lady has been married for 10 years to a guy, and has no idea what is going on.  She probably just think she is hurting me.  And I don't find her attractive at all, it is just purely a physical response to the touch.  And then it just makes my thought life become impossible to keep clean for hours afterwards.  Which is so annoying, because there is nothing I can do about it to make it better for myself.  I just have to ride it out, which I'm sure is one of the definitions of hell.  Do I have any other disabled readers that have gone through something like this?  What did you do?  The obvious answer about buying a toy would not work for me because they are not allowed to help with placement or anything like that here.

I guess that's enough rambling for now.  I hope you are all well and happy.

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