Well, I am genuinely proud of myself now. Last night, I did something that I've always wanted to try. I performed in drag.
My character is a somewhat androgynous looking guy known as Phoenix. I say that only because I did not have a huge selection of male outfits to choose from, so I just went with a red hoodie and put my hair up in a bun to make it easier to hide under a hat. But by the time my friend Lindsay, who performs as Ryan Christopher, gave me an eyebrow pencil beard and mustache and a scarf to wear on my head because we couldn't find a hat, I looked pretty good, I think. I will put pictures up when I get access to them.
Lindsay and I have been planning this for months, because last night was her last show. She is departing for the Navy in a couple of days, and I told her I've always wanted to try it. So she set it up to coincide. I did Coldplay's Yellow, in honor of my ailing best friend, because that's his favorite song. I was also going to do another one, but they only blocked the time for me to do one, because it was a large show.
All in all, I'm glad I did it, and I will probably do it again sometime. There were the usual comments about how special I was, but they always come when I attempt to perform somewhere. The actual performance was a mixture of easy and hard. Hard because no one warned me about the lights, which were so bright that I could not see a single thing. This means that my little choreography went down the drain because I couldn't move very much safely. But it was easy because it was music, and music always lifts me and carries me.
Although only three people that I specifically invited came, that I'm aware of, most of the people in the room knew me and kept coming up and stuffing dollar bills in my pocket or down my shirt. I made $20 in all. Not bad for four minutes.
I don't think I want to see actual video of it, because I want to keep the way it was in my head. That's the most important part anyway, I think. And I will try it again someday, probably soon, but eventually I want the opportunity to try it in a place where nobody knows me from before, just to see how that would change the energy and reactions.
The performer before me performed to a song that asks the question, "what have you done today to make you feel proud?" This song has been one of my recent favorites for multiple reasons. And now, for once in my life, I did something that was mostly just for me, because I wanted to, and so I have a genuine answer to the question.
Thank you very much to everyone who was there for me, in body and spirit. Thank you especially to Lindsay/Ryan Christopher for giving me the opportunity and the impetus to do this. I will remember it always. May you be blessed and protected in all your travels. You will be missed. And you're always loved. Please know that your friendship, even in its so far short duration, has really blessed my life. Believing in me like you did is one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given.
"Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well. Here's to the nights we felt alive..."
"And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance..."
I love you.