So, this is the annual day when bloggers and journal writers everywhere take the time to write what I call their annual life inventory. Who am I, where have I been, where am I going, and what does it mean to the universe as a whole?
I enjoy reading these, but I get a little tired of the New Year's resolutions that all focus on changing something negative. Body weight, bad habit, (for the record, mine would probably be apologizing too much for just being who I am), etc.. These seem bound for failure from the start because there's nothing positive about them, and humans tend to change or grow more when there is positivity around them, I have discovered. So I think I'm going with my friend Pony from now on and not making any set in stone New Year's resolution anymore. It feels too much like rules you have to follow. My counselor says he prefers New Year's plans. Whatever works.
That said, I know I have been putting a little more negativity than usual into my thoughts and writings as of late. I will not apologize, because there are valid reasons for this, and those reasons are part of me and deserve airtime as well.
But I do like today, whatever I'm in the middle of, because today always feel so fresh and new and possible. Like a blank canvas waiting for me to paint dreams on. But then before, I always felt bad when the dreams I painted got discolored by reality, which always seemed to happen as early as January 2. So, I was a failure in some respects. It's the same concept as the resolution thing.
But this year, I think it's actually going to be different for me. I've been thinking a lot with Pony and others about learning to make myself more of a priority in my own life. Learning that I actually just might have the power to make some of those painted dreams happen for me. (Smiles at Wesley.) Learning that it's not always selfish in a bad way to put myself ahead of at least some others instead of dead last behind everyone. Just because I am. Because I exist and have valuable things to offer the world, just like you and everyone else. This will change my whole world this year, I'm pretty sure.
I'm not saying that this will make every day this year good and easy, and that I will never be angry or sad. This year, I know I'm going to have to face, and am facing, a few of the hardest things ever in my life so far. And I definitely am going to need people around me. It's just that I now know that the discoloration in the paintings can be part of them. They don't have to mean that I have to stop and start all over.
So that is what I'm going to try to do. Be me, myself, in a way or ways, that I've never been "allowed" to before. And if I trip up a little, to know that in a way, every day can be like New Year's Day. And just keep going. It isn't going to be easy, maybe, but I know it's going to be full of life and fun and music. Most importantly, I will be in control.
Wish me luck. I will keep everyone updated. And I wish the same kind of understanding and journey and love to all of my reading family this year.
I love you all!