Amber's Abode

April and its fools

Well, I'm here instead of my poker final because they are shortstaffed as usual and decided to get me out of bed 20 minutes after poker started.  I'm not a really happy camper, but what can you do?

One month from today, on May 1, I will be 30.  I used to be freaked out about that age, but since I moved here, I have discovered that perspective is pretty relative.  I never thought I would spend my whole 29th year in a nursing home, but there you go.

I can't help comparing this year with last year though.  Last year I had only been here for about a month and thought I only had four months left, tops.  That's what I get for thinking.  Last year, I was awaiting/dreading the arrival of a friend, dreading it because I knew the arrival would mean the loss of the friendship.  He didn't believe me, so he came anyway.  And sure enough, stone cold silence.  But I'm the one truly on the losing end because I had no one to go back to.  Now, I'm awaiting the arrival of another friend and slightly nervous that a similar thing will happen.  I know it will be different, but still there is that learned fear so well taught to me that I will probably never lose it.

And still more ghosts from the past keep taunting me.  I went for a burger with my best local friend and hung out until they fell asleep.  On the way out of the building, I was stopped in the hall by a lady who wanted to inform me of something.  Now this lady is technically a friend of a friend.  But she has made no bones before about the fact that she dislikes me.  So today she chooses to inform me that she has run into my ex-boyfriend a couple of times, and that although he's supposedly happily married, he's been very inquisitive about my whereabouts. 

Now I have a couple of reactions to this.  I'm trying to figure out whether she is really trying to warn me or just watch my fear reaction.  I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is trying to be friendly again for the sake of our mutual friend, who cares about us both.  Also, of course she would run into him periodically.  She is a caregiver for our friend, who lives in the same vicinity as my ex. 

So I'm trying to decide how best to deal with this information.  I've been having nightmarish dreams really frequently lately, and I don't need to add a stalker to the mix.  If he really wants some kind of closure to all of this, that might be a good thing, but for me the legal closure had to happen with the restraining order, and I cannot call him again and open up that can of worms, no matter how lonely I get.  I'm writing this down to remind myself.  It was bad before, so it would be bad again.  I do not think he would physically harm me at this point, but even so, the fact that he doesn't know where I live is a good thing.

Of course, the whole thing could be an elaborate April fool's joke, but I doubt it.

My entire life right now, on the other hand, seems to be a classic example of one.  Sigh.

More news as it happens.

More Posts by Amber