Amber's Abode

a year..........

One year ago today, I wrote the first entry in this blog.  I was living in my own apartment totally unaware that four hours later, I would be in the emergency room with another blocked catheter making somebody listen to my plight.  They admitted me finally and if they hadn't, I would've died.  But I was never able to return to the apartment, so my world changed forever.  I stayed in the hospital for four days, coming to the nursing home where I now live on March 9.  As is evident, I'm still here.  Still searching for another home.  The one I was waiting for finally admitted that all their Medicaid slots were flooded, so it could be another year or more.  I'm not staying here that long by choice, and so we have stepped up searching efforts.

I'm having a little bit of a breather because my roommate from hell just went home.  I get one free night, and then they are moving someone named Betty in here from the other side of the building who can't stand her current roommate.  I know Betty, she seems nice, and that way I won't have to deal with the first random stranger off the street.  She keeps different hours, but she is coherent and that means we can discuss whatever we need to in order to make things run smoothly.

My dad got remarried on Saturday.  The trip was whirlwind, but it was nice to get out for awhile.  The only really bad thing was that he informed me that now that they are down to just one income and he will have to rethink his offer of $50 a month to supplement my 30.  I told you.  Anyone who talked to me about this, I told you this would happen.  I should've bet on it.  I got into a little argument with him because I pointed out that he supports his stepson who is like 25 and perfectly able to go out and get a job.  All that boy does is smoke and drink.  I did not argue too hard because it was their wedding night.  My brother-in-law agrees, and is planning on talking with my dad during spring break, claiming that he will not let this die.  But I don't hold out much hope.  So I am again trying to figure out how to get my own little bit of under the table money.  I'm actually thinking about putting a PayPal donation page up somewhere.  I hate doing that, but I hate having to sponge off of everybody even more.

In the only other thing of major significance that I have to blog about, I'm not really supposed to.  It really hurts.  Someone I thought was a really cool and close friend of mine is not anymore.  This person just disappeared from everywhere I could connect with them, and I was really really worried.  Everybody said that it seemed that the person was fine, but I never heard a single word or saw them at our usual meeting places.  I felt really panicky.  Genuine concern for the person's well-being.  And then a few days ago, out of the blue, I got an e-mail which apparently they'd been trying to send for a week.

This person probably was thinking that their e-mail was sent out in loving concern, but it was received as one of the meanest and most hurtful things I have ever read in my life.  Apparently during a life inventory, it was decided that they really only wanted to keep friendships that met their needs, and I am not really one of those, although they want me to understand that they don't want to break contact with me altogether, and they will see me when we just happen to be out at the same place.  But they can no longer be expected to communicate by phone or instant message, because they end up being disappointed and hurt when I don't follow through on whatever we plan.  That stung, but I can understand that.  However, they chose to further explain themselves.

Apparently, this was all brought about, as one stated example anyway, by the fact that I failed to call this person on their birthday.  Well, in my memory, I did call them, I left a nice message thanking them for being such a good friend.  But apparently they did not get the message.  And I left it rather late, because earlier in the day, my closest local friend had surgery, and I was in the hospital for most of the day.  Most people I know would consider that an acceptable excuse, but this person is of the opinion that I battle codependency, and that this is evident in my relationship with my other friend.  And his farewell message even mentioned that the reason for not calling might have something to do with where I live or my close friend, but that fact was labeled as "beside the point." The actual point probably being my codependency, because it was also mentioned that this person will not help me to the bus stop after being out anymore, pointing out that I am perfectly capable of getting there myself..

I will not argue with that.  I am capable of getting there myself, if I had no fear.  But I have fear, reasonable fear, because I have been hit by a car before.  I don't want it to happen again.  The street I have to cross is a major one, and I cannot reach any of the nearby crosswalk signal buttons.  So, I did not ask someone to walk with me because I do not know the way, rather I enjoy getting there safely.  And most people do not mind helping out.

Because of their battle with codependency and/or its concepts, the one thing my departed friend failed to understand sometimes was the difference between codependency and just being disabled.  I didn't expect them to understand completely, as they are not disabled.  And they are correct that it is a fine line.  But I need a lot of help.  And my body rebels against me at inopportune times, causing me to miss out on things.  A lot.  My whole life.  But my friend didn't know, because they were not there, which things I can change, and which things I just have to accept and deal with.

I'm a fiercely independent woman, actually.  Anyone who knows me really will tell you that.  If I can do something by myself I will.  But if I really genuinely need help, for whatever reason, even if people outside don't see the reason, I ask for help.  It's not something I enjoy.  Take the money thing for example.  Since I only have that little bit of income, if you want me to go somewhere that cost money with you that it's not in the first few days of the month, you're going to have to pay for me.  I really hate that so so much, but I can't help it.

I don't even know if you read this anymore, but you probably should not respond to it if you do.  This is my response, and I will say no more about it. 

But before I let you fade away into my past, I want you to know something.  You and your friendship were a couple of my greatest treasures.  I sobbed for two hours after reading your letter.  But if you want to walk away because you don't feel I'm meeting your needs, then I'm not going to stop you.  I'm just a little confused because most of the people that have ever been my friends have told me that I am one of the best friends they know.  I guess they are just patronizing me or something.

I will not stop you from walking away, but I will not plan to be places where I know you are.  At least not for awhile.  I don't see the point.  It will only hurt me, and quite possibly annoy you.

I'll miss you.

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