Well, it appears to be time to do what every blogger on the planet is probably doing. The entry about the year past and the year to come. What has been gained and lost and learned?
Usually, I gain the same or more than I lose, but this year has been different. 2006 was a year of heavy losses. The biggest came in February, when I lost my health and consequently my home and most of my possessions and income when I came here. Well, the possessions are stored, but you know what I mean. Hopefully, this coming February or March, I will finally get to move into a place where I have my own dwelling again. For the whole story, look back at the beginning of this blog.
I lost my best friend, one of them, of nine years, Joe, also chronicled earlier in this blog. The short version of that one is that he was a great friend who claimed to be in love with me a couple of times even though he has a partner. In May, around my birthday, he came for a visit, even with me begging him not to, which I would like to say was fun, but it really wasn't. There were once in a lifetime experiences, such as going to the top of a waterfall and getting my first massage, but I'm very intuitive, and I could tell that these were all a type of guilt gift for something to come.
Sure enough, not even halfway through the week, amid much drama and tears, (he missed his calling as a gay boy, I swear) I was basically informed that I was too disabled for him to deal with. Still among the declarations of love. And so he returned to a woman that I know, at the time at least, he didn't really love. That hurt, but what hurt even worse is that he decided shortly thereafter that he needed to cut off all contact with me, for the sake of saving his relationship with this woman he didn't really love.
In effect saying emotionally you are perfect for me, but I can't deal with you physically because you are broken, so even though you understand me better than anyone on the planet and still love me, which is really amazing to me, you need to cease contact with me so I can try to make it work with a woman who is not physically broken, but has trouble understanding me from even the short distance of across our house. I'm scared I will not have anyone to take care of me, so the physical has to be more important to me. Thank you for understanding.
Oh, I understand alright.
Still, I'll be okay. And this is last time I will mention you in a blog, ever. So you can breathe your little sigh of relief as you drink your tea. But don't you dare try to take away my right to express this or feel hurt over loss of one of the best friends I ever had. And do not bother sending a comment e-mail to this saying you're sorry. We've been over that. Oh, and just so you know, comments here are private, so you don't have to make up you know who at you know where type of addresses. We both know who you are, and we are the only ones who see the comments.
Goodbye and good luck. Thank you for the music and everything else. Don't go away from this ever thinking that I'm ungrateful. I'm very grateful. There are many times I would not have gotten through without you. But I'm not shallow enough to believe that I'm speaking only of physical gifts that helped me through. So don't you think that. And I know it was reciprocal. I know I gave to you as well.
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears. I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me."
I pray that someday you will learn who you are and be happy with whatever you discover and be strong enough to stand on your own. Only when you discover this will you be able to be successful in any relationship. You have to be almost whole or whole on your own before you can be much good to anyone else.
There will always be a place in my heart for you.
So that about covers my losses, except for the fact that my pastor, who is really good, left yesterday for another church. That's kind of sad and scary.
On to the gains, which this year have been mostly in the form of new or returning friends. Paul, with his wise and deep connections, Nick with his wit and willingness to try new things. Roland, whom I finally got to see again this summer after so long, Max, my closest local friend, geographically and otherwise. We continue on an ever deepening and parallel journey to find ourselves and the meaning of all of this. Jax, who helps my body and spirit be allies again, and believes in me. Mae, whose quiet smile and affirmations are a huge blessing reminder that I matter still to the world at large. I love you all.
And Daniel, returned to me after 10 years, by a happy accident. I will never go back and fix that particular topographical error. And I'm so looking forward to February, when we will have a chance to reclaim all facets of what was taken from us. In our own way and speed. This second chance, you, have proved to be one of the best gifts of the year just behind us. And I'm so glad you are still alive to share the one to come. You are worth everything I went through to get back here. Always know that. I love you.
I have gained, in about four months, the ability to play poker Of the Texas Hold Em variety rather well, well enough that this month I have earned my spot in the monthly final for a shot at a trophy and a DVD player that I don't really need, but will come in handy as trade goods for something, say maybe a couple massages.
With this new ability came the required poker buddies, and I'm among a pretty eclectic and fun crowd. Kim, Bobbi, and Teresa, who regularly rotate the duty of showing me my cards, each giving me their brand of teaching about the game along the way. Kimberly, who started out as one of my favorite opponents, has not played for two months, which is a good thing for her, and I'm proud of her. She understands me, and sings for me often, sometimes even with me. There's too many to mention, but most of them make me feel welcome, and the rest are so satisfying to beat.
Oh and for the fellow geeks among us, I gained 250 GB of external hard drive space. Happy dance. Suggestions on what to fill it with welcome.
All in all, I think that the gains outweigh the losses, or maybe just balance each other out. And what of the required question about resolutions and dreams for the new year?
My only resolution is that I want to be and become more of myself, wherever that takes me and whatever it means. To stay open and alive.
On Saturday I went to a family reunion dinner in honor of my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. The sermon message was given by a Lutheran pastor like my grandpa. They went to seminary together. But the message was basically "thank God you are Lutheran and not Catholic, started your family after you got married, stay away from addictions, and are not gay." Thereby alienating at least 80% of his audience. I was so angry, and I was reassured to find out afterwards that I was not the only one. I mean, I'm sure he meant well, but he was missing the point, the core point of our faith. We are no better than anyone else, still sinners. We just believe that we are covered by grace.
And my world is so much deeper and colorful since I learned to be more open-minded by far than most religious people would be comfortable with. But honestly all that I could think during the sermon was thank God I'm not as narrow and as bitter as the poor old man speaking.
Wish me luck in my endeavor and this adventure. Don't worry, I will keep you all informed. And blessings to all my friends and readers. May 2007 bring in nothing but good things for all of you. Or, in those immortal words we know so well,
Live long and prosper. (Insert required hand gesture here)