April 25, 2006
Once again, I'm taking advantage of the fact that my roommate is not here to write. I have a new one now, but she is pretty cool, doesn't really mind my noise. They want her to go home on Monday, which is also my birthday.
I might not get to actually post this for a couple of days, as I am stuck offline right now, waiting for a working DSL modem/router, having spent hours and hours on the phone with tech support exhausting every other possibility for the reason why I suddenly can't connect to the Internet. Including switching to a different computer, now using my desktop from home. As a sidenote, I would not recommend Verizon DSL to anyone.
A lot has been happening since I wrote last. A neighbor of mine here died suddenly, my former meal partner. She had a heart attack following physical therapy the day after Easter. She was confused and hurting and ready to go, and they say they think she knew because she asked to be dressed in her best clothes that morning. After physical therapy the therapist let her hold a new baby. After a few minutes, she took the baby and turned around to put it in a car seat. When she turned back, the lady was gone, just like that, like flipping a light switch off. And they say there was no pain.
I didn't know consciously about this, but I woke up feeling like something was terribly wrong. When I went down to lunch, Kayla wasn't there. For some reason, I went a little hysterical. I ran around the whole building looking for her and calling her. Nobody would tell me where she was until one nurse finally told me that she could not say anything about it until she talked to the family. Then I knew.
The hysterics continued, though, even though I wanted them to stop because I didn't feel I had the right to be so sad, having only known her for about a month. And she was a challenge to deal with without getting frustrated. But she was a part of my life, and I tried my best to help her. What made me the most angry was that nothing stopped. Not even for a minute. Nobody stopped to acknowledge and honor a life that had existed here for 78 years. But they said what else could we do? There are 58 other people here that still need their medicine and food. I guess they're right, but they also say you get used to it, that you harden. But I won't. Not ever.
What finally calmed me down was that a manager let me go see Kayla where she lay waiting for her family and say goodbye. She looked more beautiful than I had ever seen her, and happy. And I apologized for not being able to help her more, said I hope she knew that I cared. And that I'd see her soon. All of this gave me some peace, so that I was finally able to take a breath without sobbing.
God bless you, Kayla Chapell. May you rest in joy and peace, free from confusion, pain, and fear.
***
Just got back from lunch, spaghetti on Tuesdays, and the monthly birthday party. I thought it would be pretty boring, and mostly it was, except a guy named Phil Hall came and played the accordion, an instrument that I've gained more respect for since my late step Grandma showed me she could play it very well.
Anyway, back to catching you up on me. The main thing that has been big for me lately is what I now term the Joe roller coaster. Once again, if he reads this, he might get angry. Once again, I don't really care because this is my blog.
So, apparently at this writing, though something may have changed already again between yesterday and now, he is back together with his girlfriend/fiancé/whatever the fuck she is. Again. This is the third or fourth time he has done this in the almost as many weeks as I have known he is coming here. At first, I said his coming here was okay because he needed to make a decision. Well, he has showed me the decision he has made, over and over and over and over again. I am not enough. I cannot physically take care of him. I am safe, but not easy. And he will always go for easy.
I have literally begged him not to come because there is no point, and no good can come of it. He is still coming. To "experience" me and toss me aside.
So here I am, once again in the position of being the other woman, rather than being able to explore the whole new contact in reality part of this relationship with him being single.
Here I am with the burden of carrying The One Rule. No sex. Which would be fine and okay if she were stable and rational. She's not. And so even though we still only have the one rule technically, it's actually a bunch of little rules, which basically amount to no physical contact whatsoever. Joe does not want to believe that she think this, but I know better. She's a woman. So am I. And I'm not naïve enough to think that the term sex exclusively means putting the gun in a holster. In the act, so much more is included for me. Maybe I am unique in this way of thinking, but it leaves me messed up and in the losing position any way I handle this.
OK. So we have a virtual relationship right now. And because we are not allowed in clean conscience any physical contact, the relationship has to stay virtual. So why the hell is he even coming here?
He says because he has to. Why? So he can actually see the hurt on my face as he spits in it before he walks away? So he can give me a week of consolation prizes that I would never really get from anywhere else, so that I can look back and reassure myself that he really does love me? Even if he does, what good does that do me? He is still leaving and marrying someone else. I can hear him saying but we're not getting married anymore. Whatever. He's been living with her for going on five years. And seems to find it impossible to leave, even temporarily. So they are already married.
And besides, anyone who says "I love you, but I can't deal with this or that part of you," usually the disability, doesn't really love me to begin with. And then there's the whole struggle about the morality of the issue, helping someone honor or break their commitment to someone else before God. Sigh. Why am I always the one who has to carry the weight of all the big decisions?
****
Between the last line and this, Joe called, and we had our usual, seemingly now daily, go around about all of this. Two hours later, I don't know if he will be any more settled about his choice tomorrow, anymore than I actually am, but I was able to present a really strong front for a change. I told him that he absolutely had to choose, and that if he chose to stay honoring his commitment to her, we would hang out but there can be nothing that can even possibly lead to breaking The One Rule. This is the way that it has to be. Above and beyond the God thing, it goes against my nature to knowingly and willingly hurt someone else, especially somebody innocent. By that I mean that she doesn't deserve this any more than I do.
I don't know if I'm going to be able to stand strong in all of this, because I need connection so much, but I must try. It's all I can do. And we did pray for strength and peace at the end of the conversation. We will see. Another friend tells me to go for everything, full speed ahead, take all the week will offer, and then let it/him go gracefully. I don't know which approach is going to be better for my sanity. I think I'm scrambling to try to find something in between, which probably doesn't exist.
My friend Nick is helping me to notice codependent traits in myself with all of this as a background. I know he's right, and I wish to blog about it, but right now, I'm exhausted and tired of talking.
More tomorrow, even though this is all going to look like one very long entry. Be well
May 7 , 2006
Here I am a week after my birthday. And Joe was supposed to leave this morning, but he changed his flight and left last Thursday morning instead, which turned out to be for the best, because he really didn't want to be here. He just couldn't deal with anything disability related. It was all too much, even the really small things, like helping me eat.
So he shows up at the airport last Saturday evening with a rental vehicle that is a wheelchair accessible van. This threw me for a loop because I thought he wanted to see my life the way it is, so I planned everything on public transportation. Also, people have told me not to get in a vehicle with him and let him drive me anywhere. But I got in and that part turned out to be OK. We stopped by here, where I was told that there was enough red flags about him that I wasn't allowed to stay anywhere overnight with him. We then went and found his hotel and had a really late dinner in its restaurant. He answered his cell phone for his girlfriend's call apologetically, but I was wondering why he didn't at least turn the cell phone off for that evening. That was my first clue that he wasn't staying.
After dinner, we went up to his room, where he held me for a while, just in my chair. That got to be the evening tradition while he was here, and I believe the only part where he felt completely comfortable, which is sad to me.
Next day, he came over really early to pick me up. He took me to Multnomah Falls, where it became apparent that he had hired a guy named Aaron to push me up the trail to the top. So together they pushed me halfway up and back because Aaron had a meeting to go to. It was really beautiful. I will post pictures in my gallery here. I got a certificate of accomplishment which is both kind of corny and kind of neat.
Later on that evening, we went to my "birthday party" at my usual karaoke place, which really wasn't much of a party this year. Nobody even sang to me and there is this really bad new KJ who has decided that she doesn't like me, so she didn't put me up very often, and when she did, she muted my new headset microphone. But Joe kind of got to hear me sing, and I kind of got to see a few people I hadn't seen in a while, so it was okay.
The next day, my actual birthday, he brought more presents, and then we hung out before we had to find where our massages were. We followed careful directions to the wrong location, and then more careful directions to the right one.
I got to get a massage from Jax, one of the coolest and most beautiful people I know from where I sing karaoke. It was such an awesome thing. She was so patient with my body and its attachments, taking away all my fear. During and after, I could do things with my body that I have never in my life been able to do without pain. Only then there was no pain. She did a lot of energy work as well, which was a little scary, but also very necessary and cleansing. I didn't want it to be over. For the first time, I fit in my body, while at the same time rising above it. I want to go back. I will find a way. I will never forget about that in my whole life.
Tuesday, we just hung around between our two locations, thinking about swimming, but thinking better of it. it was becoming increasingly clear to me that he was not comfortable with the logistics of any part of my life. And when he looked at me, it was like he was still looking for me, somehow, even though I was right there. It was really weird and hurtful because he kept saying that he loved me but he couldn't do it. So we talked and I agreed it would be better for him to go home early, back to the girl he really wants.
Wednesday, he called to tell me it was now Thursday morning he was leaving. My mantra of the week had been this is my life. His had been that he wanted to be different from all the others that leave, but that he can't deal with it. He sure enjoyed what attempts I did allow physically, but we are not supposed to talk about those, even amongst ourselves because talking about them meant they happened. What am I, some kind of ghost girl? So I was overall glad he was leaving early, though the pain of a dream dying hurt really bad.
I mean, at one point rather recently, I would've given my lifeblood to this man, but he was rapidly turning into some kind of really shallow jerk I don't even know. I mean sure, he pays for my phone and my Internet right now, for which I'm really grateful. He paid a double rent bill that I could not have possibly paid off, for which I'm really grateful. He paid for everything while he was here, for which I'm really grateful. But money doesn't solve all problems. And they would've gotten solved eventually, somehow. He was dangling carrots in front of my face, of a life he says I deserve. But I will never have it. Because he left and took the life he had started to make me believe I deserved with him. All because of the one thing about myself that I can't change, that I will never be able to change. It was so unbelievably cruel.
And what did he do it for? So that he could have some magic good karma following him the rest of his life? I'm a gimp, not a fucking unicorn!
Wednesday afternoon, we went to see some old people that he grew up next door to. The Craigs now live in Vancouver. I'm pretty sure he has all of his marbles. I'm pretty sure she doesn't. Anymore, anyway. But she used to be a good artist, by the paintings of her children, which were really good. Laurie is a successful script writer. Lyda died a while back of a brain tumor. They are a musical family. Joe and Mr. Craig did some dueling accordions for a while, then Joe played the organ. Then Mr. Craig played the organ, and Joe the guitar. I puttered with the organ and some beginner books while the men drank Scotch which I discovered I really don't like. We had some really good salmon and avocado. Pictures were taken and instruments were played one more time before we left. I wasn't entirely comfortable there at all, but everybody seemed okay with hiding in the music, so I played along. I'm not sure what Joe was doing bringing me there, especially since Mr. Craig knows about his real girlfriend, but it was relaxing so I was okay.
After that, there was nothing to do but wait for the inevitable end, which we did for torturously long in various amounts of pain. When he finally walked away from me, I was sobbing, brokenly, for the loss of a life, a dream, someone who I thought had been my best friend for the better part of nine years, and simply because everyone leaves.
The next morning, I awoke sicker than a dog, with a fever and throwing up every 20 minutes. That's pretty much been my life ever since, with the added excitement of the nonprivate interrogation on Friday night of whether my visitor had raped me or not, not believing my answer because someone had reported that I had told her that he had gotten me drunk and had his little way with me. I never said anything remotely like any such thing. They even took blood and urine, which I know now was for something different, but they let me think it was related to the interrogation at the time. They didn't stop until I was crying. I'm 29 now, not 9! Sigh.
And I'm sitting here now looking out my window to a view of... a brick wall I can't see over the top of. How brilliantly symbolic. Didn't even get to try to take back karaoke Thursday or today. I'm just going to go curl up on what passes for my bed here, try to pass out, and pray it's over when I come to.
May 9, 2006
Well, I guess that's one way to get rid of an annoying roommate. I have an infection in my wound again, and she had open surgical incisions. So they moved her, Helen, roommate number three, to a different room. I'm not allowed to eat in the dining room for now. But at least I have the room back to myself for a while.
But I also found out that I have yet another bladder infection. This now means two different types of antibiotics at the same time. Joy! Double the weak feeling, nauseating pleasure. And we had just started to get over the flu. I kept solid foods down and in today.
And another one of my favorite residents died today. Betty Higgins. Born in 1929 on April 27. She was here when I was here before. Even then, her mind was locked in the past, but if you could figure out where she was, which I took the time to do, you could have some pretty interesting and coherent conversations with her. And she always had a smile for everyone. It was only a few hours ago. All of her family was here. It was time. She stopped eating and drinking like eight days ago.
I love you, Betty. Rest in peace and joy.
There's not much more to write for now. My new modem is finally scheduled for delivery sometime tomorrow, so if the Internet gods are with us, I should be back on the air and able to post this and go back to blogging only one day at a time. Thanks for reading this far. I hope it was worth it.