Amber's Abode

maybe I should write a soap opera script...

I have to write this relatively quickly, taking advantage of the time when my roommate, who is currently down the hall playing bingo, is gone.  She complains about the noise from my dictating to my computer.  But I'm getting way ahead of myself.  I'm just happy to be back among the land of the blogging. 

About four hours after posting the last entry, I was in the hospital emergency room with yet another blocked catheter, after only a week.  They were going to change it and just send me home, but I would not let them until I talked to a doctor and explained the horrible reality of my health in my living situation.  That Doctor immediately admitted me if for a really bad infection in my catheter site, and the doctor on the floor where I stayed reported the building where I came from as medically neglectful and abusive, so now I can't go back.  Not that I want to.  That first night in the hospital, I was really sick.  They told me later they were even a little worried they were going to lose me.  Thankfully, I got better.  I stayed for three nights total, and then came to where I am now the Thursday before last. 

Where I am now is called Gresham rehab and specialty care.  It's a nursing home.  That fact sucks ass for me, especially with a crotchety roommate recovering from surgery, but at least they take better physical care of me.  And anyway, I've got nowhere else to go until my name comes up on waiting list of the place I want to move into.  That will be about four months.  And I made sure that the doctor wrote down that I could leave whenever I wanted, so I've even been able to go do my karaoke a couple of times.  The room set up is not so bad.  We are in a room that was meant to house four people, so I have more space than I did the last time I was here recuperating from my broken leg. 

And even though I hate the lack of personal private space, my own set up here is pretty sweet.  My awesome friend Joe set me up with a phone, a brand new Dell laptop (yes!  Oh God, I didn't know how I was going to get through four months without a computer and/or the ability to write.  2 1/2 weeks was bad enough) and a long adjustable table to use them on.  So I have my own office corner.  I'm stuck on AOL dial-up again for now, which is another thing that sucks ass, but it's better than not being connected at all.  Thank you so much, Joe. 

Speaking of Joe, he is coming to visit me for the first time in our long-distance friendship for the week surrounding my birthday.  I'm excited, we are something like best friends, though it's hard to explain.  But I'm also a little scared and confused.  I know Joe reads this, so I will be respectful and sensitive, but I think blogging about it will help me, and here is the safest and most open place for me to do that. 

If I wrote our whole back story, it would take pages.  Suffice to say for now that he is an awesome person who I've known for around nine years but never met in person yet.  I've seen him through a lot of stuff, including a divorce and now an engagement.  See, he wants to come see me before he gets remarried in November. 

The problem?  None really, on the surface.  But it's complicated, because he loves me.  He himself is not sure whether it is deep love, infatuation, the need to be a protector for someone who needs a lot of help, or some really whacked out combination of all of the above.  And I love him back, though I'm not much more sure about at what level than he is.  But I seem to be infiltrating his every waking thought again.  This cannot be healthy or helpful to someone engaged to someone else.  She deserves to have someone's whole heart and not be thrown aside. 

Then again, so do I.  See?  So confusing. 

I think he's coming here to say goodbye to the image of me he built up in his head, so he can go into his marriage with an undivided heart.  And I want to help him do this.  But it's hard because parts of me want him to blow off the rest of everything and choose me.  Parts of him want the same thing.  He loves my spirit, we connect so much more quickly and deeply than he can with his fiancée.  I can tell his moods from across the country, and she has trouble doing that from across the room. 

But I don't think you can say you completely love somebody without loving their body as well, or at least experiencing it in some way.  I hate having my body and spirit be regarded separately all the time.  And he has told me that he isn't sure how well he could deal with the disability.  Well, I think toward him sometimes, it's part of me, so I don't know what to tell you. 

And then there is the whole craving physical connection part.  He is going to be around me for the better part of eight days, by himself, with a hotel room in his name.  I honestly don't know what's going to happen with that.  I'm not even sure what I want to happen.  I mean, physical touch is awesome for me, but I really don't want to hurt his fiancée in any way either.  They've been together a little over four years, and she has a very simple and trusting heart.  Nor do I want to be connected and then thrown aside, so to speak. 

So confusing and frustrating.  I'm tired of always having to be in the strong one, the right one.  I went to be held and treasured by someone.  I want, for once in my whole life, to take what I want and/or need without worrying about anything or anybody else! 

But this is me.  And Joe knows that I will always care about him, no matter what path he chooses.  So, most likely, I will just be helping him move forward in peace.  It won't be easy, but it's the best way for all involved. 

Still, thank God for the few more available connections I do have.  Especially Daniel.  Thank you so much.  I'm so happy to be back in your caring space.  All of this would be a lot harder if you were not there for me.  I love you.  May there always be joy in this journey, wherever it takes us, unhurried and weightless. 

Oh yeah, and thank you, Toby Keith.  :-). 

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