Welcome to my first blog here. I have others but comparatively this one should be the most interesting to read because I am able to be the most honest here. Anybody wanting links to the others, e-mail me. Anyway, I bow to Daniel for getting this set up for me. Thank you, sir, for this and everything else.
I've been thinking a lot about the whole idea of Lent lately, and kind of rebelling against it. I mean, I guess I identify as what Daniel terms a "garden-variety Christian," but I am way, way more open minded now than I was raised to be. So much so that my parents would probably have a coronary.
For example, many of my friends currently identify as queer or gay. If anybody feels uncomfortable with this fact, or the possibility that I may blog about it from time to time, you should probably stop reading this blog at all. The same warning goes for any other controversial thought that might make its way into these pages. I'm 28 years old. We always have controversial thoughts. :-).
And that, Gentle Reader, is as close as I'm ever going to come to a disclaimer here.
But I digress. I often do. Lent. It's currently defined as the 40 days before Easter, excluding the Sundays, for they are always meant to be a celebration of Easter. In the Lutheran Church and that I was raised in, they weren't. Every Sunday and Wednesday in that period, church was like a funeral. Horrible for a young one. And confusing. The religion teaches that Christ died ONCE for the sins of all, and is now alive in heaven. Well, if he is alive, then why do we kill him every year? I got in trouble for asking that at age 8 in Sunday school. I got in trouble for asking a lot of things there.
I mean, I'm sure Jesus, assuming he is actually living above or around us somewhere, gets really bored watching the perpetual funeral. If I were him, I would be highly offended. I'm not trying to be sacrilegious here, I respect tradition and the heart behind what I was raised to believe. Most of the time, I even believe that he died for me. But he's not still dead. That's the whole point behind the supposed joy in the religion. I'm sure he wants us to remember his sacrifice, but not to carry such a heavy burden as to feel like we're putting the nails in his hands every little time we slip up. Where's the joy in that?
Today, I was rudely awakened by a caregiver for breaking a small rule in the system she usually helps me break. Signing up early on Saturday for Sunday morning wake-up care so that I can go to church if I choose. So I went ahead like usual. Only today, the hypocrite decides to wake me up out of one of my precious little sound sleeps to rip me a new one over the whole thing.
Then, a person I would describe as a friend with benefits showed up today barely announced, then arrived late, blew through my space with all the grace, charm, and understanding of a raging bull. He was angry at me for not having enough control over my life, and then angry at the resultant tears. I don't deal with that anymore very well, being a survivor of multiple kinds of abuse. So, I kicked him out. Score one for me. I usually just put up with whatever rather than make waves. Oh, and for the curious, there were very little actual "benefits" for me. Still not ready to close him out completely, because my opportunities for actual physical contact are severely limited.
But don't even get me started on disability and sexuality for now. That will come,um, arrive later, I'm sure. For now, check out one of Daniel's recent blogs here for a very well written dialogue on the subject.
Then there is my completely needless pain due to a catheter they made me insert to live here. I have cerebral palsy, I'm not paralyzed. Therefore, it hurts. Badly. Pretty much all the time. Not to mention the constant infection and clogging. All because the asswipes (both literally and figuratively) who work here don't want to be bothered with transferring me to a toilet and/or changing depends. So now, I have been made to suffer continuously to make life more convenient for them? I call bullshit very loudly on this one!
And so, I'm getting out. Going back to an assisted-living model place, rather than my current independent living model situation. I've done it before. I don't mind the older people, and the transportation is much better here than it was on the Oregon Coast where I was stuck with my family before. In that regard, Portland rocks. The people at the place where I am on the waiting list are very nice, will help me with anything I need, and feed me. A very good thing. I'm rapidly losing health here, so I have to go.
But the waiting list is six months long. I want to go into a hospital or nursing home in the interim, but doctors are loath to write the required recommendation because they don't think a 28 year old actually begging to go into a nursing home is in her right mind. Oh yeah? Let's stick this tube up inside them, then!
So anyway, I've decided to give up putting up with all forms of bullshit for Lent, since as usual the faithful are always encouraged to give up something. Like God is keeping track. It's silly. So I've decided to give up something useful for a change.
Anyone care to join me?