Jumping Rainbows

Words, words, words!

AUTHORS NOTE:  THIS IS A COMPILATION OF THINGS I WROTE ABOUT WHILE I FELT LIKE STEPPING AWAY FROM MY BLOG WAS THE BEST THING TO DO.  ALSO, IT'S LATE ON THIS SATURDAY NIGHT, ANDMY PROOF READING SKILLS ARE ADMITTEDLY LACKING, SO YOU MAY FIND SOME ERRORS.  COME BACK IN A COUPLE DAYS IF YOU CAN'T READ OVER THEM OR AROUND THEM.  BY THEN, I'LL HAVE EVERYTHING REREAD AND FIXED Smile


Wednesday I wrote about the fact that Cullen and I were going to go see a movie the following day.  Well, we did, and while the movie was outstanding, there were a few other much more exciting things that happened after the movie!  First off, I made the comment to both him and DeAnna that we should do something again on the 17th or 18th.  DeAnna says, "well, what about next week?"

"yeah....  What do you guys have going on on Monday....  No, wait, not Monday, Wednesday?"

"um, I'm not sure yet.  I'd have to let you know when I got to work tomorrow."

With that, the subject of what we were going to do, and when we were going to do it was sort of dropped until DeAnna could get more information the following morning.  Since my ride to pick me up from the movie still wasn't there, we started talking about other things.  One of those things was my Kindle, which I didn't have with me at Cullen's "Man Cave" party a couple weeks earlier.  I told them what it was, and then did a quick demonstration for them both.  When I was done demonstrating, I made the comment that you could get books on Amazon for $10, and that has him and his mom were looking for something to do for my birthday which was a week from Saturday, all I was asking for was money so that I could get more books.  It was at that point that DeAnna asked him if you wanted to take me now for my birthday.  He said he did.  Then I asked him if he was deciding where we were eating, and that was an even more definite yes than the first, which made me smile!  After that was decided, I told them that that was his homework: to figure out when and where we were eating.  I also told him that I didn't care when it was as long as it wasn't Saturday because I sometimes have difficulty getting Metro rides on Saturdays.  DeAnna said that that was OK, because she doesn't work on Saturdays anyway.  So it was settled.  We would be doing something sometime next week, and it wasn't going to be on Saturday.

During the movie though, something even more exciting and unexpected happened!  About halfway through the movie, he started gently hitting me, and I knew he wanted something, I just was having a difficult time figuring out what it was because I couldn't really ask him because the movie was playing and I knew he wouldn't be able to hear me even if I did come up with something that I thought he wanted.  After about five minutes of this though, thankfully, DeAnna unknowingly stepped in and relieved the awkwardness I was feeling at that moment by asking him if he was trying to hold my hand.  He said he was.  Well, that was an easy fix, all I needed to do was trot my hand down to where he could reach it, and he did his best to grab it right away!  In fact, he was even able to open up his hand and wrapped his fingers around mine just a little bit!  It made me happier than I'll ever be able to articulate in written form or verbal form!  I'm really beginning to think that she has as much of a crush on me as I do want him!  I fully intend to bring up the fact that I do have a crush on him at some point, although I'm not sure how, or when.  All I can say at this point is that it will happen.

As far as my birthday goes, it turns out that Monday will work better for me then Wednesday would have after all.  So, I called the two of them yesterday to see if, instead of Wednesday, Monday would work.  Both of them said that it would, and that they really didn't have anything planned.  I then asked her to ask him if he was still planning on deciding where we were going to eat, or if he wanted me to do that.  He again said that he wanted to decide, so I told them we needed to get it figured out because I needed to set up the ride yesterday after we got off the phone.  We're meeting at a restaurant called RJ Riches in Mounds View at 12:30 on Monday.  I'm extremely excited!  Even more excited than I was for the movie because during lunch we all actually be able to talk and get to know each other a little bit better, which was absolutely impossible during the movie.

The only thing I'm not sure about is whether I should be considering this a date or not.  Part of me feels like I should, but part of me doesn't want to assume that he feels the same way I do without always communicating about it first.  When I either figure out or decide what I'm going to call it, or what it should be called, I'll document it here!  Until then, all I'm going to say is going to really seem to be looking up for me at the moment, and I only pray that they continue to look higher and higher toward the heavens!  (ORIGINALLY WRITTEN ON 12/5/09)


Once again, I have a rush of something I'm not exactly able to describe because I'm not exactly sure what it is.  I just got back from what I'm going to safely call Cullen and I's first date!  The only reason I feel like I can safely call it that is because I asked him if he had a crush on me, he said yes, and I, without hesitating, told him that I felt exactly the same way!  Yes!  It's finally out there!  Now, if something had been then he goes to heaven tomorrow, he'll know exactly how I felt and I'll have absolutely no regrets!  I had I not taken that leap of faith today, I can absolutely guarantee all of you who may or may not read this at some point, I would have regretted not telling him it was something had happened before the next time I see him.

Toward the end of the meal, he got this really sad look on his face which could almost be described as anguished and he just kept saying "no." For a second, neither Deanna or I could figure out what he wanted, or why he was so sad.  Then it must've dawned on Deanna because she said to him, "do you want to hold Danielle's hand again?"

"yes!"

From that moment on, he was as content as could be!  Wow, I can't believe it, someone actually WANTED to hold my hand and was ready in going to do everything he could to initiate and complete the process!  I can't describe to anyone what an amazing feeling that was, and its meaning someone like Cullen and getting amazing feelings like that, meant losing someone like Chandler, I will honestly and truly tell everyone who will listen that I'm ready, willing, and able to let that happen!  In my opinion, a relationship should be something where you want to be as affectionate with that person as they want to be with you, and you should never, ever, ever, ever have to beg for that affection as I most often times did with Chan.  The bottom line is that I think he started taking it for granted, and our relationship just sort of became mundane and routine.  That's definitely not the case with Cullen, and that fact makes me happy beyond words!

We're going to go to the elves and the shoemaker on the 17th, which I'm extremely excited about!  Truthfully, we could be sitting in a parking lot doing absolutely nothing except staring at each other and I would be ecstatic with excitement simply because there's a level of respect in our developing friendship, not to mention probably a huge amount of attraction that was only there, if ever, in Chan and I's relationship in the very beginning, but recently has ceased to exist for whatever reason.  I don't know, but I think there's good potential for there to be a budding romance on the horizon!  (ORIGINALLY ON 12/7/09)


I'm incredibly torn at the moment!  Part of me has this unquenchable thirst for information about how Cullen became disabled.  I know it was as a result of an AVM, and I what an AVM is, but what I DON'T KNOW, and WANT TO is about HIS case in particular!  What signs/symptoms gave Pam and/or Cullen cause for concern?  Were there signs/symptoms to be seen?  Was it a gradual decline in his abilities?  Those are just the ones I can think of right now, but there are soooooo many more that have come up when we've been together that I haven't had the opportunity to write down!
Earlier today, I was looking at pictures that Pam (with help, probably, since she self-admittedly isn't very tech savvy yet ) put up on Facebook of Cullen when he was younger...before he became disabled.  That's what brought all of the above questions to the forefront of my brain, which is why I started writing this.  However, thinking about these questions only gives way to more, and these are the rather NOT think about, and NOT know the answers to: What is his prognosis?  I know it's not good, but what exactly is it?  Is it truly possible that he has a MUCH GREATER chance of dying in his sleep than the rest of us do?  Do I know all the answers to these questions even though I don't really want to know them?  Of course I do, but with as much as he means to me, it's not something I really want to think about on a consistent basis, or at all for that matter!

I've always had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge about things that I can't even come close to understanding with no more knowledge about them.  This is no exception.  I want to know everything I can about this particular disorder, and more specifically his particular case so that I can do everything I possibly can to help in every way I possibly can while I still can.  I'm very well aware that there will come a day, maybe in the not-too-distant future that I will no longer be able to help because his time here on earth will be done, and it will be time for God to continue his/her plan from up above.  When that time comes, if it's sooner than all the rest of us ,I won't necessarily be ready for it, but I want to know that I'd done everything I could be for the moment came to make his life is rich in full as possible.  That's truly the only way I'm going to be able to cope with the fact that there's a good chance that he's going to die much sooner than the rest about.....  Learning all that I can, and helping out in every way possible while I can!  (ORIGINALLY WRITTEN ON 12/16/09)

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