AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS PROBABLY THE HARDEST THINGS I'LL EVER ATTEMPT TO PUT INTO WORDS! THAT BEING SAID, JUST BE AWARE THAT IF YOU INTEND ON READING ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM, WHEREVER THAT MAY BE, IT COULD TURN INTO A RAMBLING FEST FULL OF TEARS THAT HAS NO RHYME OR REASON TO THE REST OF YOU. IF THAT'S THE CASE, PLEASE DON'T WRITE TO ME AND TELL ME ABOUT IT! JUST SIMPLY STOP READING WHEREVER IT STOPS MAKING SENSE TO YOU!
December 2007 began yet again a journey that I had tried to take many times prior to that. See, every time I had tried to go down the many paths of this journey prior to December 2007, I was told "NO" for one stupid reason or another. All of which had NOTHING to do with my abilities, and EVERYTHING to do with my "disabilities"! What journey am I refering to? My journey to get a service dog that didn't yet have a name, and was just a concept at the time. However, soon she would go from concept to reality, and Fergie would be her name! 
Fergie and I met and started working together on August 8th, 2008. As many of you know, I truly believe it was partnership at first lick! Looking back on it now, there was a very small part of me that wasn't sure I was ready to handle the responsibilities and "duties" that came along with Fergie. Now I'm not talking about the responsibilities that come with any pet such as feeding, watering, toileting, etc.. What I'm referring to are the responsibilities that come specifically with a service dog. When most people hear the term "service dog", they have a set of standards that they feel the dog should be able to live up to and maintain. While I never believed that Fergie, or any other service dog for that matter, should be forced to live up to any set of standards that exceeds what they're capable of, or takes the "dog" out of service dog, some people even in the short time we were together expected just that! As a result of this, it was my responsibility to make sure that she maintained what she knew, did her job to the best of her ability, and was always ready to work when called upon. Those are the responsibilities that I was referring to.
Once Fergie and I met and started working together however, that small apprehensive part of me simply disappeared never to be seen again, or at least that's what I thought at the time. Throughout the next 11 months, we did everything together, and were rarely ever separated unless it was absolute necessity for some reason. When she would hear the sound of the click of my chair she would instantaneously and simultaneously jump off my bed because she knew that it meant that at the very least I was changing my location in the apartment, and no matter how minute the change was, she wanted to, and was going to be a part of it! When she would hear my apartment door open, she would do the very same thing because she knew it either meant that someone was coming to see me, which by default meant that they were coming to see her, or that I was going somewhere, and she should be going with! The couple of times I left her here in the apartment because I was just running down to the mailbox or something, she sat by the door and cried until I came back. She was as much a part of my world and my everyday happenings as food and water are! Not only was she my constant companion, she gave me a sense of self-reliance and self-confidence that I'm not sure that anyone else or anything else will be able to. At least not for a very, very, very long time!
Then on Wednesday night, the 15th, my whole world was flipped upside down, and will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever be the same! We were over at Chan's when she started getting very whiny. My initial thought was that there was just too much going on over at Chan's, she didn't like the noise, and wanted to go back to her other home. So I said to Chan, "let me go take her home and then I'll be back." "No, on second thought, let me go take her outside, take her home, and then I'll be back." When we're at Chan's house, she's never on a leash because there's no reason for her to be. "Okay, do you want me to come with?" "No, it's all good, we got it!" With that, I told her to get the door and out it we went! As soon as she saw the elevator, she bolted for it, so I knew she had to go really, really bad. We got into the elevator, and made our way downstairs. When we landed on the first floor, and the elevator doors opened, she raced for the switch to the front door of the building, smacked it, went through it, and waited for me standing in front of the door that leads outside. When I got there, I told her to move so that I could get in front of her, which she did. Once we were both out the door, she bolted for the place where she goes potty. I watched her bolt down there, and was confident she wasn't going very far before I got down there because she had had two pee so badly. When I got down there, saw that she had finished, and was now just wandering aimlessly, I called her back to me using "all done, let's go!" She came bounding back to me, and got just a little bit ahead of me on the sidewalk. This wasn't a big deal, in fact, it was something she did almost every time we went outside off the leash. All I needed to do was tell her to wait, and she would. This particular evening was no exception. I told her to wait so that I could catch up with her, and she did. As we both got back up to the building, and were just about to go in, I asked her to get the door to the building, and realized that I had lost her attention. I turned around to see what had captivated her, and I realized it was a bird. By now she was all the way at the other end of the sidewalk opposite from where we came. I used every bit of air that I could possibly find within my lungs to tell her to "leave it", which is the command she was taught when she needed to ignore something. By the time I realized what had captivated her, and got leave it out of my mouth, she was already so spellbound and mesmerized that I knew in my heart of hearts there was nothing I could do. No amount of force behind leave it was gonna do me any good. The only thing in front of her was an open parking lot. The final image I have of her is her hopping off the curb to go chase after that bird as it left the sidewalk and flew away. As I watched helplessly, all I could was scream for her and pray. If there was ever a point where I needed a miracle, rather than just wanting one, it was within those two to three minutes that I was standing there screaming for her.
To make matters worse, for some dumb reason on this particular night, I had left my apartment without putting my cell phone on my chair, which I usually always did. The absence of my phone meant that I had to go all the way back into the building, and up the elevator to be able to even tell my sister that I needed help. Had I been as a religious about putting my cell phone on my chair on that particular night as I had been on other days and nights, I may have been able to get to help quicker, and in turn possibly save her life. By the time my sister got downstairs and started looking for her, she was nowhere to be found. My sister was even more panicked when I told her which way she had gone, and she realized that there was nothing but open air in that direction. She decided that she was going to go drive it and see if she could find her. In the meantime, I had unintentionally alerted Chan's stepdad who came racing down the stairs and simply said, "I'm on my way!"
I have to admit that at this point in the entire process, I still wasn't panicking, at least not to the level that everyone else probably would've been, or was. It was only after about 45 minutes, and my search party returning, that I knew something was seriously wrong. My sister was hysterically crying, and all she could say was "I'm sorry!" My initial thought was that they just hadn't been able to find her, and it was getting dark, so they knew they weren't going to be able to. It didn't actually hit home that she was gone in the physical until Chan's mom said, "she didn't suffer." It was at that point that I started hysterically crying and begging for someone to tell me that it wasn't real..... that it was only a really, really, really, really horrible nightmare that somebody was going to wake me up from in a very short amount of time. However, as you've probably gathered by now if you've read this far, it wasn't just a horrible nightmare that I've been able to wake up from. It's still a horrible nightmare, yes, but not one I have the luxury of waking up from. I found out after my hysteria past (for that moment at least) that when she was hit, she was just crossing the major highway that I only live probably a mile from. From what I'm told, the driver who actually hit her didn't stop. It was another motorist and his wife that did. I got to meet his wife, whose name was Terry. I asked her if she saw it happen, and she said no. The only other thing I really wanted to know was if she was gone by the time Terry got there. Terry said that she was, but she was still warm to the touch. This probably means that it happened very quickly, and she didn't suffer. At least I hope not!
It was two weeks ago yesterday since my life changed, there was a huge gaping hole left in my heart, one that will always be there, one that I'm not going to try to fill with another dog, or anything else for that matter, and I lost my right hand...... my left hand....... AND MY BEST FRIEND!
As I've done my best to explain to everybody who is now knows about this tragic, tragic event, it's not her being gone in the physical that I'm having as much trouble dealing with, as I am the fact that virtually everything I do, and have done since her passing, is somehow connected to a memory. We worked together 24 hours a day, seven days a week, virtually never being apart! There are so many blessings to be found in the way things happened though. Although 11 months an incredibly short time to be with your best friend, and it is, in those 11 months she taught me everything I needed to know, and gave me much much more than I think I would've ever gotten out of life had she not come into it at all! The things that she taught me, and the things that she gave me, are not only things that will make me a better partner for a future service dog, but a better individual all the way around!
I love you Fergie, and I always, always, always, always, always, always, will! You were my everything, and you always will be! I'm confident that we will meet again someday, and maybe you'll even come back in my future dog, like Dad (chan) was saying last night. However, if this was your last assignment, just know that you served it well, and I couldn't be more proud of you, or us, and all that we accomplished while we were together in the physical. I know that where you are now is where you were meant to be, and I know you have an unlimited supply of frisbees, tennis balls, birds, and butterflies! Go run and play with all of those things for as long as you want, and as hard and you want because while you were here with me in the physical, you did everything I ever asked you to, so now it's time for you to be where I really think you were meant to be: chasing birds, frisbees, tennis balls, and butterflies! Go for it girlie! I love you, and I always will! 
Want to see more heartwarming, adorable, and memorable pictures where the above one came from? Click here to do just that, and as you do, remember as I have over the last couple weeks that life is too short to take anything for granted!