As many of you who follow my blog with any regularity know, nonclinical touch is extremely important to me! To some extent, it always has been, but over the past couple years, its importance has intensified tenfold! Part of the reason that the importance is what it is today is due to the ebb and flow of Chandler and I's relationship over the last 4 1/2 years. Throughout that time, we've spent countless hours, and had some very passionate communication through touch. The greater reason for the increase of importance though is the fact that as I've gotten older, communicating verbally takes a type of stamina that I don't always have because when communicating verbally, I actually have to think about putting together words which make sentences, make sure they make sense in my head, get them out of my mouth, and make sure that they convey the amount of passion that I was feeling when the thought came to me.
If I'm given the ability to communicate through touch, and only touch, however, I can communicate much more passionately, with a lot less reaction, and a lot more action. For example, it takes a lot less effort for me to get myself into position to give Chandler a hug, or hold his hand than it does for me to have to verbally and remind him that I'm there for him because each and every time I open my mouth to speak, no matter what the subject matter, my body is working. For those individuals who read this who have the ability to ride a bike, it would be like if you were to ride your bike 24 hours a day, seven days a week, without ever stopping. That's the amount of stress my body is under, and the amount of effort it takes whenever I have to communicate something verbally that has passion behind it.
As a result of the fact that my brain is so touch oriented, and has become even more so in recent years, I'm also a huge fan of soft textures, especially stuffed animals. Last year for my birthday, Chan made me a CD on which all the songs were hand-picked, and each one of them, in my opinion at least, represented a little piece of our relationship up to that point. It was really really special, because when he asked me what I wanted my birthday, the only answer I gave him was, "you do it". He did. Along with that CD, he got me a TY beanie baby which was a white bear with angel wings, whose name was Harold.
Harold has sat on my dresser in my bedroom since midnight of December 12th, which is when he gave both gifts to me. Day before yesterday, as I went into my bedroom to start another CD in the book I was currently reading, I happened to glance up to where Harold was sitting, and without even really thinking about it, I positioned myself next to my dresser so that I could reach up, grab him, and put him in my lap. Once I had him in a position where I knew he wasn't going to fall off, I backed away from my dresser, hit play on my CD player to resume my reading, and sat with Harold on my lap through the rest of the CD.
As I sat there, I was comforted in a much bigger, and different way than I have been in quite some time. I was comforted because I felt connected to Chan in a way that I haven't been able to feel connected to him in recent weeks, and it made me smile. 
Thanks, Chan Man for inadvertently giving me that little piece of comfort when I needed it most! Thanks for allowing me to be able to be closer to you, and giving me a way to do it where I was able to put forth the type of effort that that isn't really effort for me these days! 