Well, it's now been about two weeks since the dynamic of Chan and I's relationship changed just slightly. Actually, other than not making out whenever we want, not a whole lot has changed. As both of us have said multiple times before, NO ONE can break the ties that bind us EXCEPT US! That being said, I wasn't really expecting much to change, but with things like this, you never know what will stay intact until it unfolds.
As far as regrets go, I can honestly say I DON'T HAVE ANY! We have always said and done what was on our hearts around each other, without fear! I firmly believe that's the reason we have the unbreakable bond we do today!
Now, are there things I would've done differently? Only one. I would tell him that I don't wanna have to take care of myself emotionally anymore. See, for as long as I can remember, I've always had to rely on myself and only me to get through my roughest emotions. Part of that self-reliance was out of fear and self-preservation, but a much greater part was out of necessity because I had no other shoulders to cry on, hands to hold, or ears to listen. In him, I've ALWAYS had those things, and I'm confident I ALWAYS will! The problem is that I've always been a bit too stubborn, a bit too prideful, and a bit too scared to take full advantage of them. Until now, that is. With recent pain management issues surfacing, I need that shoulder, hand, and ear more than I ever have before, and I've dropped the stubborn routine, swallowed my pride, and pushed away the fear to tell him I need them.
The problem now? My pain management issues are becoming too great for me to be able to stay in my chair for any length of time. Granted, I would still have the listening ear even if I was laying down, but sometimes I need MORE, especially when I'm in pain. I NEED the words to stop! I NEED to feel strength of someone else's arms around me! I NEED someone to tell me it's gonna be ok without ever saying a word!
With all that said, what have I concluded is the moral of this chapter? It's simple: You don't have to be be tough all the time! It's healthy to be vulnerable every now and then! In fact, some mey even find it endearing!