Jumping Rainbows

Reflections on ONE chapter of a journey

Well, it's now been about two weeks since the dynamic of Chan and I's relationship changed just slightly.  Actually, other than not making out whenever we want, not a whole lot has changed.  As both of us have said multiple times before, NO ONE can break the ties that bind us EXCEPT US!  That being said, I wasn't really expecting much to change, but with things like this, you never know what will stay intact until it unfolds.

As far as regrets go, I can honestly say I DON'T HAVE ANY!  Smile  We have always said and done what was on our hearts around each other, without fear!  I firmly believe that's the reason we have the unbreakable bond we do today!  Smile

Now, are there things I would've done differently?  Only one.  I would tell him that I don't wanna have to take care of myself emotionally anymore.  See, for as long as I can remember, I've always had to rely on myself and only me to get through my roughest emotions.  Part of that self-reliance was out of fear and self-preservation, but a much greater part was out of necessity because I had no other shoulders to cry on, hands to hold, or ears to listen.  In him, I've ALWAYS had those things, and I'm confident I ALWAYS will!  The problem is that I've always been a bit too stubborn, a bit too prideful, and a bit too scared to take full advantage of them.  Until now, that is.  With recent pain management issues surfacing, I need that shoulder, hand, and ear more than I ever have before, and I've dropped the stubborn routine, swallowed my pride, and pushed away the fear to tell him I need them. 

The problem now?  My pain management issues are becoming too great for me to be able to stay in my chair for any length of time.  Granted, I would still have the listening ear even if I was laying down, but sometimes I need MORE, especially when I'm in pain.  I NEED the words to stop!  I NEED to feel strength of someone else's arms around me!  I NEED someone to tell me it's gonna be ok without ever saying a word!

With all that said, what have I concluded is the moral of this chapter?  It's simple:  You don't have to be be tough all the time!  It's healthy to be vulnerable every now and then!  In fact, some mey even find it endearing!

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