In my last entry, I briefly talked about the fact that Chan and I were a couple, and I really didn't care who knew it, or what they thought about it. Trust me, I still don't, and I'm going to use that as a premise for today's entry. So, if you haven't read that one, or it's been awhile since you have, and you want this one to make sense, I would highly recommend reading it before you go any further here.
For as long as I can remember I have always been what I thought was a fighter by nature, and that was all there was to it. In other words, I was going to fight for what I wanted and/or needed because I could, and because I wanted to, but most of all because I had to. There wasn't going to be an even one person on the face of planet Earth who was going to tell me that I couldn't fight for what I wanted and/or needed once I set my mind to it. To an extent, I feel like that will always be my first instinct no matter what happens. With the developments between Chan and I in recent weeks, I'm beginning to reexamine the roots of my "fighting spirit".
In some weird way, I'm beginning to see that it may just all stem from the fact that for very long time I felt like I had no choice but to take care of myself in the emotional sense all by myself. Even though Chan and I have been best friends almost since that day we met, my feelings have almost always gone deeper than that, and I've never had a problem telling him, or anyone else that, if they wanted to hear it. With as much as he has opened up recently about how he truly feels, it's becoming more and more apparent to me that my days of having to protect myself using that "fighting spirit" are going to be few and far between, if at all.
Just last night in fact, he made the comment that he was at a point where he didn't want me to have to feel like I had to be such a fighter anymore if I didn't want to be. Now granted, he's not going to take it away for me, and he's not telling me that I can't use it, he's just simply telling me that I can let go if I want to.
No amount of words will be able to do justice how it feels to have someone tell me that my days of fighting are over if I want them to be. Granted, like I said earlier, there's probably always going to be a little bit of fighter in me just because it's in my nature, but I'm going to work very hard to remember that I don't have to fight from this point forward unless I want to; it doesn't have to be a protective mechanism anymore.
As I wrap this up, all I can say is: ditto sweetheart! I want you to remember the very words of wisdom that you gave me last night! I don't ever want you to feel like you have to fight unless you want to from this point forward. We are in a partnership, and God willing will remain that way for many, many, many, many years to come! With that being said, I don't want you to ever feel like you have to do it by yourself, because you don't! Thank you for believing in me, believing in us, and most of all believing in yourself enough to allow this to grow and blossom into whatever it's going to be! 