For as long as I can remember, I've never really had the chance to allow a want to be a want, and see it go from concept to reality without one need or another getting in the way first. Logically, after that happens so many times, and you have your heart broken each time it does, you learn to start rationalizing those wants away, or if you don't, you do exactly what I did for a long time which is if you can't convince yourself that you really really really need whatever it is that you want, it's not going to happen. Honestly, the previous sentence is how I lived every single day of my almost 25 years until almost a week ago. If I couldn't convince myself that I really needed something that I wanted, along with wanting it, I just didn't go get it. For example, there had been nights prior to almost a week ago where I really really really wanted Chan to come over, but I didn't really need him to, so I didn't ask him to because I felt like if I did, I would somehow be putting him out.
Then on Monday the 20th, as I was laying in bed thinking, I came to a revelation. I spend all this time worrying about whether I'm putting people out by making a simple request of them, and my intent in doing that is so that I don't hurt them, but in all reality I'm hurting them more by not having enough confidence in them to believe that they will say no if and when they choose to do so, or when it's absolutely necessary. I'm doing more damage by trying to protect them, then I would be if I just put the request out there, and gave them the responsibility of dealing with it.
What it boils down to this: I never really have liked to delegate responsibility to others because I don't like putting the burden on them. Recently however, I've discovered that if I want to get anywhere in life, be it personal or professional, I need to learn to make requests, be confident with them, and not feel guilty about doing it! Furthermore, I need to give the people that are in my life a bit more credit when it comes to the fact of whether or not they can handle the responsibility of saying no if they want to, or if it's absolutely necessary. When I first started out on this journey of self-discovery, which I might add is still in progress I really didn't think that I deserved to get what I want when it was only a want. I've discovered differently now; a want is a want for a reason, and it's not because we need any of them to survive. If we did, they would become needs, and the word "want" with no longer even be applicable.
You know what's really exciting? Just last night, I found myself putting to good use my newfound self-confidence, and depending on how you look at it, my powers of delegation. Chan and I were sitting together just hanging out, and there was about six or 8 feet of space between us. I asked him to come closer, which I'm sure he was going to do, but I found myself wanting him to do it faster, because I knew he could. Finally he got close enough to where I could almost reach him, but not quite. I insisted he come closer, again, because I knew he could. Before he made that last effort, he said, "I'm right here, baby." I said, "I know, but I also know that you can come closer." When he finally got to right where I wanted him, he said, "you're pretty insistent... I like it!"
Yahoo! I asked for something, and got it without getting any resistance, or feeling guilty about it! I only hope that this pattern of self-assurance and assertiveness can, and does continue! 