When most of us think about going home for a special event, or holiday, it brings back memories of things we used to do in the warm safe environment of our childhood home. In fact, even if our family members don't still live in the house where we grew up, going to see them evokes nothing but happy, safe, and warm memories. In most ways, I am no exception. Take note though, that I said most.
You see, I have many, many, many of those warm childhood memories that I enjoy looking back on from time to time. However, since 2004, which is the year that I moved out on my own, things have changed dramatically, and my fantasy land of the home sweet home has unfortunately, abruptly, and even more sadly been shattered. Today when I go home, which I should say it isn't where I grew up, by the end of the trip, I become very emotionally drained, very sad, and almost depressed in some ways.
By now, if you're still reading at this point, you are probably beginning to wonder what the hell I'm talking about, and wanting a little bit more detail, so that you can get a better picture. Well, as most of my regular readers know, I always come through for them, and this will be no exception. However, I will warn you that what you're about to read in the paragraphs following this one may be difficult for some people to read. Please, don't misunderstand the warning I'm trying to give you. I'm not by any means being physically abused when I'm at home, but the example that I'm about to give you does convey a lot of emotional pain, and it may become emotional for you to read. So, if you're the type of person who doesn't feel that you can handle reading about others' emotions, stop here, for your own benefit.
The apartment that my mom currently lives in use to be a single-family home that was eventually converted into two apartments. My mom lives in that top one, and my sister lives in the bottom one. They actually sit right on top of each other, and are connected with a staircase of about 12 stairs. When I go home, I usually stay upstairs with my mom just because her apartment is a little bit bigger than my sister's and there's a little bit more room to move around with a wheelchair. Due to the fact that there are 12 stairs going up to her apartment, it's physically impossible for me to bring my power chair with me. Therefore, I just leave my manual chair at her house, and use it when I'm there. Now, because of the type of back that I have on my manual chair, it is very top-heavy, and tips backwards very easily. For this reason, someone, whether it be my sister, or my mom, or another family member (depending on the event) always has to be with me.
On one of the last days right before I returned home, which was on the seventh of July, my sister asked my mom what time her haircut appointment was. My mom said it was at 1:15. My sister said okay, and told my mom that Chad (my sister's fiancé) and her were going to go do something after he got off work, which would have been about four o'clock. To make a very long story short, my mom got upset because she wanted to be able to have just one day where she would be able to do all her running, and get everything done, without having to worry about a time crunch. My sister got upset because the day before when my mom told her about her haircut, and asked her if she had anything going on, she said no, not during the day, but they were probably going to do something that evening after he got off work. During this whole fight, my mom kept repeating that my sister had said that they were going to do something that evening, not right when he got off work.
In the midst of this screaming match between my mom and my sister, I'm sitting at my mom's computer thinking to myself: if I wasn't in my manual chair, mom probably wouldn't have such an issue with leaving me alone for the 45 minutes it would take for her to go get her hair cut. I am in my manual chair though, and I have no control over that, and they are both very well aware of that, and yet somehow I'm still getting stuck in the middle! How exactly is that fair??? Eventually, after this war of words goes on for about another 10 minutes, my sister goes back down stairs to her apartment saying that she has no desire to go do what they were going to do before this whole thing started, and my mom yelling after her that she could just go do it.
I promise you that the description I just gave you really doesn't do what happened any justice, but now that you have some idea you will at least be able to somewhat understand why I felt so desperate, alone, and ready to run as this was all going on. To be honest with you, this isn't the first time this has happened and it probably won't be the last. All the other times were before I discovered SaidSimple, and started utilizing it. Each and every time it does though, I feel more and more alone, trapped, and ready to run then I did the time before when it happened.
To bring it all full circle, the older I get, and the more I begin to understand the world around me, the things that are being said, and the emotions that are being evoked, the more I begin to cherish the fact that most of the time I had six good wheels that are able to take me wherever I want to go at will, which does include leaving a heated argument between two people who I love very dearly. Sadly however, as you can see from the above example, at least from this point forward, my fantasy of home sweet home is probably gone because now when I'm at home I am more dependent on somebody than I ever was when I was growing up, because when I was growing up ,we could bring my power chair into the house, and I could be left alone for more than 20 seconds, which meant that there weren't going to be any arguments over who was going to stay with me, and why they should or shouldn't have to do it, or why they did or didn't want to do it.
As emotionally draining as this trip was for me, there was one bright spot, and I must give credit where credit is due. There were a couple times during my where I just needed to talk to someone outside of those four walls so that I didn't go insane! He didn't know this at the time, and actually he'll be reading it for the first time when all of the rest of you do, but Daniel is the one who helped keep me sane when I needed it most! I couldn't, and it didn't tell him how I was feeling during my trip, but it doesn't matter. When I needed it most, he was right there to do what he does best with me, and for me: he was there to let the conversation flow, what ever happened, happened, and by the time I was done talking to him, I could go to bed feeling some sense of normalcy and peace, and contently knowing that if I needed him tomorrow, and it was after 5:30 my time, he would most likely be there, and for the briefest of moments I would be able to forget that my fantasy land of home sweet home no longer exists!
Daniel: I've said this before, and I'll gladly say it again: thank you for just being you and although you had no idea at the time how much our brief conversations meant during my trip, thanks for just being there, and being a great friend! 