Over the last week or so, some things have happened between Chan and I that have made me stop and think. When they first happening, I was sort of afraid that if I read too far into them, it would all go away. THAT'S THE LAST THING I WANT/WANTED TO HAPPEN! When it comes to things like these, I will do anything, and I mean anything to keep them going. This case was no exception. I said nothing, and simply went with the flow just to see where it would go.
Although at the present time I still haven't said anything to him about it directly, I'm really beginning to wonder if we're going back in time. For those of you who are unaware, Chandler and I do have a past. Although that past stretches way back to when I first moved in here which was December of 2004, we didn't make it "official"until October 2006. It stayed that way for a while, but as time went on there were multiple reasons why we decided mutually that we weren't going to label it any longer, and just let it be what it was. In fact, that's pretty much how Chandler and I have lived both since we met each other, and before. Straight from the hip, no pussyfooting. What ever happens, happens and that's just the way it is.
Throughout the time that we didn't label it, he always knew without a doubt where my heart was, and where it would probably remain for a long while, if not forever! Being the kindhearted soul that he is though, he always felt like there were too many things in his life that would stand in the way of me reaching my goals, and he's the last person who wants to stand in anybody's way, but I truly believe especially mine because we have such a deep, and true love for one another.
Quite honestly, although I can tell you that at this very moment I'm not in love with him, if he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would have very little hesitation about saying yes! So, if I can say that in 2008, you're probably wondering how I know that I'm not in love with him, or if I'm just denying it to myself. The way I see it, the answer is quite simple. I was in love with him once, and if circumstances were right, I probably could be again. However, there was a brief period of time after we took the label off, and feelings started to dissipate on his end that my feelings remained as strong for him as they ever were. Over time though, I discovered how much it hurt to be in love with someone who knew that at least at the present time, they weren't going to be able to reciprocate those feelings. Therefore, as time went on, I don't know that those feelings really ever went away, but I chose to put them away for the time being to prevent unnecessary, and sometimes I must admit, overwhelming heartache!
Since about December 2006, those feelings have not been forgotten, nor have they ever completely gone away. I have chosen to put them away for now, and if ever the time is right, I will have no hesitation in bringing them forward once again.
Which leads me into what I really wanted to share with all of you. I think we may be heading back toward October of 2006. At the top of this blog I mentioned that some things had been happening lately between him and I that have made me stop and think. For example, on the first of this month, we shared something that we hadn't shared since October of 2006. Now, when this happened, I enjoyed it so much that the last thing I wanted to do was ask him why it happened, because I was afraid if I did that, it would all go away, possibly never to return. So, I just rolled with it. It was what it was, and that was it. Over the past couple days however, more things have been happening that have really made me wonder if we really are going back in time.
For example, when we were together, we used to spend almost every night together, taking turns if we had to. Well, Friday night I mentioned that I needed to go to bed early. About 20 minutes after I made this comment, he looks at me and says, "I suppose you want me to come over tonight so you won't be lonely." Now, since we took the label off, and since his feelings started to dissipate, him spontaneously mentioning that he was going to come over, or was even thinking about coming over, hadn't happened. During this time of no label, he would come over if I asked him to, but I always had to initiate. Apparently, not this time! We were together until about 1:30 Saturday morning. The two of us spending time together, no matter who is where, is something I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever complain about!
Then before I left his apartment on Saturday night, I made the comment that I was going to be watching a movie, but he could stop over if he wanted to. He asked me what movie it was, I told him, and he told me he would probably be watching it too. Then, as I was lining my chair up with the door to go home, his cell phone rings, and it's his best friend. His best friend asks him if he just tried to call him, and Chandler says no. Apparently that was the only reason his best friend was calling because moments after he got that information, he asked him if he could call him back. Chandler said that was fine, but that he should call him on his cell phone because he would probably be over at my apartment.
Eventually, he was. I didn't have to call him to ask him about it either. Once again, it was a spontaneous event! A spontaneous event that probably wouldn't have taken place prior to a week ago.
On top of all these little events, there's the unmistakable fact that he has started using the more affectionate words such as "honey" on a much more regular basis. All unmistakable signs of what is, or is going to be going through his head very soon, if you ask me! Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not disillusioned enough to not realize that this could be absolutely nothing, and it is once again just my over analytical brain reading far too much into things, but I really, really, really hope that that's not the case!
I'm not sure where this will all lead, only time will tell. I do know what it feels like though, and it feels as though we aren't going back in time, which if I'm being honest with myself, is exactly what I want, and have wanted for a very, very, very, very, very long time! If more comes up in the coming days, weeks, or even months, I'll probably be writing about it here. With that being said, keep checking back if you want to know how this story unfolds!