Jumping Rainbows

Why?

I'm soooooooooooo incredibly hurt and frustrated!  Over the past couple of days there's one issue in my life that has been tearing my heart into pieces each and every time I think about it.  Now this may seem like a very small issue to some, but it is a very huge issue to me, and until it is resolved, it will continue to be.  Can you imagine not going to bed with your significant other?  What about if I told you that you had to because I said so?  What if I told you that I thought it was taboo for you to do this?  What would you think?  How would you feel?  How would you handle the fact that I told you how to handle your personal life?  Would you be upset?  Would you be hurt?  Would you feel degraded? 

These are just some of the ways that I have been feeling for about the past four days.  For some reason, it is really hitting home that I have to go to bed alone every night.  Now, this isn't because I don't have someone who wants to sleep with me.  Believe me, I do, and it has been discussed on numerous occasions between this individual and I.  It is society who is in inhibiting this from happening.  You see, first of all, when you ask the insurance companies for a bigger bed because you have a partner and you don't want to have to cram yourself into a twin size hospital bed, they (the members of the insurance company) look at you like you've lost your mind because they could give a shit less whether you have of partner or not.  Being a part of the disabled community, we are by all societal standards, asexual.  Along with that, we have no feelings which means we can't be sad that we're going to bed alone, we're just supposed to suck it up, and deal with it.  Why?  How is that right? 

All of you in the able-bodied community have the ability to sleep with another person if you choose to do so at any given time.  However, when we, the disabled community, even show interest in somebody else with a disability, it is seen as taboo.  We just shouldn't do it.  Again, I ask why!  I would give anything, and I seriously mean anything, to sleep comfortably next to the person that I have wanted to do so with for about the last 2 1/2 years.  However, he too is disabled, and has virtually the same disability I do, which essentially means that we need your assistance to make this happen.  Unfortunately, we have not found one of you who is not in some way completely put off by the idea of helping two disabled people lay in the same bed, possibly naked.  Why?  Most of you go to bed every single night with your significant other, and don't even think twice about it, so why is it that you're treating us as if we're in the wrong?  Damn it, we are human beings too, and we have feelings just like you!  The only damn difference is that we are physically dependent on you, and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it!  I am damn tired of knowing that each and every night I have to go to bed alone, because you say so! 

Now, to all you PCA's out there, while I understand that there are legal issues that you have to contend with if you embark on a task like this, do you ever stop to think that maybe if the two people that you are assisting want it bad enough, they are not going to report you?  Probably not.  For god sakes, we are consenting adults and if we weren't cognitive enough to make our own decisions, we wouldn't be living here, now would we? 

You know, the other day when I was on the phone with him, I was talking about getting up early, and his reply, which I will never forget, as long as I live, was, "if we were sleeping together, you wouldn't be making me get up early, I would be getting up whenever I wanted."

    He's right, he would be getting up whenever he wanted, and I would be right there next to him for as long as it took.  As stands now, I get up early because I can't stand to be in bed and be awake, because the more time I spend in bed awake, the more I realize how empty I feel inside!  If I was sleeping with him, I could probably stay in bed all day, and not have a problem with it.  Why?  Because he would be right by my side and we would be sleeping, or laying together! 

I am so damn tired of having to go to bed with a stuffed animal to hopefully fill the void that I have inside of me right now!  It's not working!  I'm tired of having to conform to your standards, society, because you say so, and because the able-bodied community has become so damn self centered that they can't, and won't think outside the box, and allow two people who love each other, and probably know each other better than a married couple, to show their love, because it's not good for you!  FUCK THAT! 

I don't give a flying FUCK what's good for you anymore!  For 23 years, I have done my best to do what is good for society, because I know in my heart of hearts that I have a mission to accomplish, and it handles all of society.  However, I have recently come to the conclusion that I can not accomplish my mission without first taking care of myself!  This is something I want!  I don't care what the rest of you think or feel!  Maybe if I stop caring, you'll come out of your fucking self-centered boxes, and look at the world around you!  I don't ask for very much, and this just proves why I don't.  What's the point in asking when all of you are going to tell me that it's taboo and that I shouldn't do it anyway?  How about I tie your arms behind your back, your feet together, and then put your partner in the bed right next to you.  The difference here being you would be in a chair next to the bed, not able to reach your partner.  How would you like that?  I can fucking guarantee you that after about a week of that, you would go crazy, if you truly love your partner.  Now, imagine having to do it for 2 1/2 years continuously, and having your partner be so close, but yet so far out of reach.  if you even want to try to stay with him at night, either you have to stay in your chair, or he does.  Then, by the next morning, whoever had to stay in their chair the night before, is so incredibly sore that they can hardly move.  Sound fun?  Probably not.  However, guess what!  It's what I live with, and have lived with, for the past 2 1/2 years.  I hope none of you ever require the assistance that I do now, because I don't, and I won't envy any of you! 

For now though, I only have two words for you: SUCK IT! 

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