Today I'm feeling a little confused about what to do about certain
things. I am wondering what my responsibility is to preserve
memories? Whoever may be reading this, think about it and please
reply. I ask this because of recent events and even some events from
any type of relationship people do things for each other that they may
not otherwise do for anyone else. These things are done out of love
and nothing more. I've done a lot of things for others that I would
never have done for myself but I have learned that you should never
speak of these things, not ever. On the few occasions where I
felt it necessary to defend myself and let the person know that I was
there through the worst of times, I was told that none of mattered
because "I never asked you to do it", "You didn't have to do it", or
"It was your choice and you could have said no." Is this true or are these just words said in anger? Does
doing anything for anyone have no meaning at all if you are not
specifically forced to do it? What validity is there to any
relationship if all the things one does for another have no meaning?
Love makes people do things they don't always want to do. This not
aimed at any one person, it's a composit based on my own experiences as well a few friends who's opinions I trust.
today as I do more cleaning, I wonder about what things I should keep
and what should go out. Tossing out the intimate things is easy
because to keep them would just be nasty, but what about the rest?
What about the gifts and the photos and other little things one
gathers? Do these too have no meaning because neither side was forced
to give them?
This month I got rid of my stuffed cow
collection. These were given to me over the years by a variety of
people. Getting rid of them was hard but I thought it was a necessary
part of reclaiming my identity while at the same time doing a good
thing for a lot of poor Mexican children. I also gave away a lot of
my artwork which made me feel good because it was my way of being
remembered when I am no longer here. Am I selfish for wanting to be
What are the things I have kept in order to preserve
memories? I kept a tiny vial of water with a single grain of sand in
it. Amber will understand the significance of that. I kept every
written word Laura ever gave to me. I kept the last puppet Liz gave
me. I have the dismembered ears of the stuffed bunny Kari gave me on
Easter. Sorry Kari, bunny didn't make it but his remains live on.
What do I do with
the rest? Does healing require keeping mementos of the good times or
does it require getting rid of it all because its a reminder of the bad
times? I used to get so pissed when I read of families going in and
cleaning out all the things belonging to deceased parent so the other
parent is not reminded . I think its that persons decision, not
anyone elses. Now that its me, I'm really not sure what to do.
Am I wrong for missing them? I still love them all.
If anyone is out there, what would you do?