The Blog of Daniel

Just my place to write without any delusions of self-importance.

There's no escape from reality

Depression speaking: Okay, I'm having a really hard time right now.  Two seperate but related things that I really wanted just fell through at the same time.  One of them was not just a want, it was a desperate need.  I needed a temporary escape from my normal life to give me time to recharge and now it's not going to happen.  I sit here absolutley unsure if this is disapointment, depression or a full out anxiety attack.  Maybe all three.  I just feel like I have no control and everything is out of my reach.  I feel frantic.  I feel worthless.  I feel abandoned.  I feel guilty.  I want to scream but I to be held.  It's like when you have a bad toothache and for some strange reason you desire for the tooth to just explode because you think it will make the pain suddenly go away.  I want to explode.

A few weeks ago my best friend was having a post-graduation panic attack and I felt helpless because there was nothing I could do to comfort her.  Now I know exactly what she was going through.  She was panicked by the sudden change in her lifestyle, just as I am now panicked by sudden change in mine.  A few weeks ago I was relevant and needed and now I am neither.

You know what scares the ever loving shit out of me is that even though the Lexipro is going to help and this depression will be gone in a week or so, it's not going to change certain facts about me personally.

Logic speaking: Even before my depression ever started, in the days when people would literally walk up to me and ask me why I smile so much, I was acutely aware of these facts and knew that in all likelyhood I would never get to enjoy some of the simple things that everyone else around me has enjoyed or will enjoy.  If they were going to happen they would have happened already.

People used to tell me everything was just around the corner and it would run into me when I was least expecting it.  Well, I've been around the block looking left and right and I've also been around the block not paying attention to anything else except the birds in the trees and none of the things I have wanted have even so much as bumped into me.  I am resigned to the fact that they never will.  Not ever.

What good is feeling normal when you're not normal?  If way back when slaves could have been given pills that made them happy to be slaves they still would have been slaves.  I am a slave to things that are impossible to change.

If for only a week I would like to be just like everyone else.

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