Today I went to the resort for the first time in a month or so. Now that I think about it, I have only been there about 4 times this whole year which is strange because I was there all weekend every weekend last year.
Looking back at my journal entries, the last time I went on a regular basis was the day a resident there said something that really upset me. His name was Guido and he asked a few questions and made a few comments that anyone with half a brain would never make. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it did ruin my prior admiration for him completely. Sadly, it made me go from feeling like "one of regulars" to being an object of curiosity and compassion. It doesn't change my admiration for the others who took the time to get to know me, but my sense of well-being while there seems to be gone, stolen if you will. Rather than wake up all revved up and ready to go, I stand at the bathroom mirror and debate it in my head, usually choosing to just go back to bed in order to make the rest of the day shorter. When I do go, I'm waiting for the brick to fall.
In the last few months some little things have destroyed some otherwise big parts of my self-esteem. It's strange how that can happen. It's strange how it doesn't go away even when you're aware of it.
This is something I have to work out -- or not work out -- on my own.