Quite a few people have made mention of my last entry, and it just so happens to be my lunch break, so here goes:
Is this an angry entry? Nope. Am I YELLING as I write it? Nope. I'm pretty calm at the moment.
I think a common misconception about blogs and bloggers is that it is the same as writing in a diary; something very personal. The truth is that it is nothing like a diary. Bloggers do so because they want to affect an immediate or future change in something or someone. Since the target audience of a blogger is usually family, friends, associates and perhaps even community, it is almost certain the change they are trying to affect is in one or more of those groups.
One of the misconceptions that blog -readers- often have when they know the blogger personally is that whatever is said is aimed specifically at that one reader. I call it the Robert De Niro Syndrome. Remember his line in Taxi Driver? "You talking to me? You talking to me? You talking to me? Then who the hell else are you talking to? You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here, so you must be talking to me."
I suffered the same while reading someone else's blog a few weeks ago. I knew it was about me. It sure sounded like it was about me. Later that day a few others mentioned the same blog entries and each thought it was about them. I had the courage to ask and found that it was about someone else that neither I or any of the others knew existed.
But then again, ponder this: If while reading a blog entry you infer that it is about you, even if it's not about you, is it about you? Is it an accidental allegory?
Since my A Year of Changes entry at the very end of last year, my life has changed dramatically. Not all of it has been good. In just the last few weeks alone I have had everything from one new friend becoming a better friend and then another friend ripping my heart out, tossing it into a shredder, sewing it all back together, flushing it down the garbage disposal, and then come to me and ask to borrow a plunger because her sink was stopped up. If you think that line is funny, don't, because it hurt me pretty damn bad.
At the same time that all that was going on, in my attempts to determine my own self-worth I have had to question the validity of all my relationships that I considered to be "friendships". I've also had to question the very nature of my 20 year faith in God, my morality, my opinion of my body, love, sex, marriage and almost everything else that causes hair to turn white. Who am I? Why am I here? Should I continue to be here? Would anybody notice if I wasn't? The conclusions I've come to haven't always been positive.
To reach positive conclusions I need to have positive influence. In my attempts to get positive influence I have either directly or subtlely let every single person in my life know that something is going on. If you're reading this, yes, I told you too! Outside of family, the people who I least expected to help have been the most supportive and the ones I have counted on the most, the very ones I have given my best to, have summarily ignored the subject or tried to brush it aside because they don't know how to deal with it.
One side either says "I wish I could help!" or says nothing at all. The other side, the side I crave, jumps right in and asks "What can I do to help you?" In my entire life, only 4 people in have ever asked the latter. Darlene, Laura, Liz and Patrick.
For anyone who says "I'm sorry, I didn't know!", yes, you did know. If you think I may have forgotten to mention it to you, no, no, no, no, no. This is not something that is casually mentioned or forgotten to mention. This is something that has been plain as day, so much so that people have asked each other if I was okay, but couldn't be bothered to ask me directly. I've dropped conversational hints and even right here in my blog I expressed exactly what my needs are to my friends. I made sure everyone I knew read them. If you didn't know, it is because you didn't want to know or didn't care.
I only have one question: Is it really so hard to talk to me about what's happening in my life? I'm not asking for the wisdom of Solomon, I'm just asking you to give me some signs that you care.
It comes down to this: I am scared as hell right now. I am drained from emotional havoc. I need for those who say they care about me to feed me emotionally, intellectually and physically. I have done this for everyone else all my life and now it's my turn.
I want my dream.
Is this entry aimed directly at you? Maybe not, but then again it is a question you really need to ask yourself.