I'm feeling very hostile lately and I don't like it.
It all started a couple weeks ago at work. I was updating a computer and listening to the ongoing conversation all the women in the sales department were having. It was the usual one about all men being assholes. One of them said that I was an asshole too. I know it was her attempt at humor, but still it hurt. I'm not an asshole. Over the past year, I've listened to their stories about bad relationships, all which lend evidence of all men are assholes. I've heard them tell how great their boyfriends are but when you listen to the whole story it becomes quite clear that their boyfriends are indeed assholes. I'm not an asshole. Oh, did I mention the fact that I'm not an asshole?
One of my faults is that I put too much faith in people who obviously do not give a shit about me. I am too quick to label people friends.
When ?my friends? have problems, I call them. When I don't see them for a few days, I worry for them. I check up on them. If they look sad, I ask them how they are and try to console them. If they need a hug, I hug them. When they're not around, I'll think about them. If I have or see something they might like, I tell them about it and sometimes even make gifts out of them. When they don't have lunch I invite them to lunch. When they're almost broke I invite them over for a meal. At work I make it a point to go out and say good morning every day, and then goodbye before going home. If they're working alone, I'll go keep them company until someone else shows up. I hold doors open for them. I treat them with respect.
Any time someone I have called a friend has asked me for something, I have NEVER said no. Not ever. It is my nature to do nice things for my friends.
Out of all my invitations to ?friends? to come over to have dinner and watch a movie, nobody has ever accepted. In fact, they usually smile like it's a joke and make some lame transparent excuse. One did come for early dinner and a movie, but she made damn sure to let me know that it was a transaction, and not an act of friendship.
Not one of my friends has ever invited me somewhere after work or on a weekend. They invite others but not me. If I can't make it out to say good morning, they don't come to me to say good morning. I take them out to lunch one day, they go out to lunch the next day without me. When I'm feeling down I'm lucky if anyone asks or listens no matter how obvious that I make it that I need to talk to someone, anyone. I brought flowers for everyone for Valentines Day, 3 came and said thank you all the rest didn't say a word until I walked out there a few hours later. They couldn't even get up, walk 20 feet, and say thanks. I noticed that a few dumped them too. I was supposed to go hiking with a friend on Sunday and she didn't show up or call and on Monday she never came to explain. It hurts because I really liked her and thought she was different.
The fact is, only one person there has ever gone out of their way to do something nice specifically for me, just because she was thinking about me.
Do I sound hurt? Yeah, I am hurt. I'm an asshole, of course.
I do my best to do my best, yet the feelings I get back are that I am some poor asexual crippled freak. Nice to have around when you need something, but too embarrassing to have around in public. Fix me up on a date with a single friend? Not a chance in hell.
I'm so tired of it. I need people in my life who actually care about me. The people I used to call my friends have let it be known that they want no part of me.
So ends my bitchfest. They have the right to think that all men are assholes, and I have the right to point out that women who think that way are bitter and shallow assholes themselves.
You want know where you can find a wonderful man who is not an asshole? Come to my home. Every morning I see him in the bathroom mirror looking back at me. I'll introduce you.