I know it's been a while since I last bloged, I don't mean to keep forgetting just nothing happens worth bloging about in my opinions. I didn't write about the horrible thanks giving I had that some of you probably know about. If you dont' know about it please don't ask because I'm to tired of having people tell me I made to big a deal out of having my feelings hurt by my father in front of my grandparents. That's all I'll say about that.
The holidays sure are looking blue for me this year no matter how I try to get excited about the upcoming holidays. Dad being laid off so much off and on and possibly going to be permanently laid after new years. I've been looking for a job since May without any success. Which is depressing enough with dad's work situation.
Then my family is taking the magic out of the holidays by saying we arn't gona have gift exchange or carols because they think it will be easier on everyone in these hard times. I personally don't see how not singing Christmas carols is gona help people. And as for presents a cheap 5 dollar gift or a handmade gift is all you need to have the magic and joy of Christmas morning inter your lives. But they want to take that out which means our whole holidays will consist of nothing but eating finger foods..and talking about politics and all the corruption and problems in the world today....... we do that every day of the week......so I don't see how one day of being merry and full of love and the spirit of family and giving will hurt anyone.
We all need these little things in life to keep us from going insane. Yet they want to turn them into ordinary run of the mill days and my family being christian Christmas is suppose to be the biggest event of the year besides Easter for us because Christmas is Jesus' birthday. Yet they want to talk about war and politics. And they wonder why I wish we could go back in time to when Christmas eve family reunion meant more to them then finger foods and politics....when it was caroling and giving simple gifts of love.
We use to put the tree up as a family...but I had to do it alone this year because my dad only wanted to sleep....and mom was to tired and sore to do it. I will keep putting the tree up every year because it represents what Christmas is suppose to be to me; family being together and being happy and believing in the little things like Christmas magic in the glowing lights. Even if I have to start putting it in my room cause my parents get to wear they don't want to put it up and take it down. Them taking tradition and magic out of everything more and more each year has me so depressed every time the holidays come around. I try and get into the spirit by watching my favorite Christmas shows and movies and going shopping to just look at all the decorations and candy you can buy cause it cheers me up even when I know i"m not going to buy anything even if I had the money because its just fun to look at the stores all decorated and the lights on the houses and in the trees.
Just because we get older doesn't mean we have to let go of the magic that makes the holidays so special. It's not wrong to try and make holidays as special as possible by your attitude and behavior. To put up a bright beautiful tree that cheers you up every time you turn it on. To make special memories that for a few days out of a whole year that don't center around politics and the problems of the word. To sing Christmas carols as a family and to watch Christmas movies together. To put out cookies for Santa for the sake of childhood memories even when there arn't any children in the house.
I'm so depressed and this constant constant cold, misty rain that's been falling so often lately isn't helping. I'm not looking forward to Christmas eve and Christmas day because I know I'll just be miserable like I have the past few years. I don't even wake up early any more to see whats under the tree I sleep in until I have about 2 hours to get ready for Christmas lunch. Because its not fun to open gifts when you dad is off somewhere napping and your mom is running around the house like a stampede trying to make sure everything is ready to welcome my grandparents over. I use to get up early to help here but I always ended up getting in the way more then I helped. So I slept in and would open presents alone they don't take pictures for the family album anymore unless they are of Granny and papal I don't have any pics of me in my album since I was in 8th grade I think. And I duno what age they stopped putting pics of my brother in his.
My brother will come over eventually and they might go in to watch him open a present but not always. All dad does it sleep anymore. Same with mom. I'm home alone all day with no one to talk to then they come home and I"m wanting to talk and have some real human interaction but all they want to do is watch tv and nap. I"m such a misfit I want to hang onto the magic where the rest of my family thinks its a nuisance to make holidays special. I don't fit in anywhere, not with my family and I have no Friends in the real world and even if I did I wouldn't fit in I never do. I don't fit in at church. Why am I such a misfit? Why don't I fit in? ( as Rudolph would say)
Thanks for letting me get this out I don't really feel better about any of it but I had to get it out somehow. Its gotten to wear I wasn't talking much in the chat or to any of my on-line friends because I was tired of trying to act happy when I'm far from being as happy as I usually am. So I just stayed quiet not wanting to bring others down or have them like my family tell me that I'm a baby and need to grow up and get into the real world. Well if the real world is whats making me so depressed and others so sad, tired, and stressed out then why do people ask me to have to be miserable like them?? I refuse to let go of the magic and to keep the holidays special even if it puts an wall between me and my family because its the magic that keeps me going. Without magic and true love to believe in whats left for me to believe in? Not my family with their plain jane holiday thinking and certainly not any friends for I have none in the real world. Internet Friends are great but they can't give you a physical hug, or a physical shoulder for you to cry on. Well I guess that's all duno if I'll keep the bloging up I"m not gona promise to cause it seems when I do promise to I stop making entrees anyway.
Starino