Star's Stellar Journal

Picking Up Where I Left Off.

Hey,

  It's been awhile since I wrote about anything and I was feeling kinda upset about because I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't keep things bottled up inside like Ashton did to where it depressed and miserable.  I haven't felt like writing for a while, but now I"m gona try and do it more often to keep my promise both to myself and Ashton. 

I've been busy with school, it was a very tough semester physicaly and emotionaly draining.  I'm still very lonesome for something maybe for dating though duno what that is gona do for me seeing as how all the guys I know think of me as a little sister or something like that. 

I've been feeling very scared  and alone lately thinking about having the lab band surgery and how my chances are fairly risky that it could kill me because of my Cystic Fibrosis.  But I can't go on like this, I'm willing to face those risks to get a betther, healthier life. 

I haven't been going in the chat lately, haven't felt like I belonged for somereason.  Well its understandable I dont' feel as though I belong any where cept in my own little world in my room. 

I want to get out more this summer the problem is though I don't like to go to places alone and the only friend I realy have in the real world works during the day and when she is home she doesn't realy like to go for walks and just hang out ya know she likes to shop.  Which shoping is fun don't get me wrong but sometiems it's more fun just to get out and have some fun. 

I've been kinda wishing I had a guy friend just someone that would want ot hang out ya know maybe not date persay as no guys are interested in me that way.  But just hang out go bowling or skating or hikeing or swimming.  Or maybe even go fishin ya know just get out and do summer stuff.  I  had a dream that I met a guy don't remember what he looked like but we had fun teasing and just hanging out and stuff  I think it might have even gotten a lil serious.  We never kissed or nuttin like that but we would brush each others fingers or arms and hug or hold hands when we walked.  Just real causal ya know.  I think we were about to kiss when I was woken up by my mother to go get  groceries....figures....a dream come true and turned out just to be that a dream.  It felt so real me and the guy got in a water/mud fight and it was alot of fun.  But it all ended to soon, and worst part is....it was all a dream.  It wasn't memories of something that really happened like the day before ya know. 

But I guess that's all I'll have.....  dreams and wishes and a sky full of stars to wish on that have both blind and deaf to my thoughts. 

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