Hello Everyone,
What do you do when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your mind that you can't make scense of them enough to write about them, much less talk about them. They are so jumbled together that you can 't seperate them to find out why you are feeling or thinking these things. I've been doing alot of thinking lately and some of the things I"ve been able to disect out of the jumble of things going through my mind is that I'm not what or who I think I am.
1st no matter what I'm doing or who I am with I feel alone not in a depressed way like no body cares, but in the way that is just fact. I duno how to explain it. I'm happy walkin in the park and just looking at what's around me and being able to think or feel anything I want without having to worry about impressing ppl or living up to some kind of role. I enjoy watching other ppl have fun. But when I'm one that's in a group and I'm suppose to be having fun then I am depressed becasue I feel like I can't be who I am and because I have to play so many roles with ppl and can't be myself that I've grown up not knowing who I am. I'm growing older but I see myself as a teenager, wanting to dress and act like a teenager and wear wild bright colors and faded jeans and long dangly, crazy earings. but my tell me I'm a woman now and wemon don't dress like that. They wear nice dressy things like skirts and dress pants and dressy shirts and heels with small dainty jewlry. And so I feel alone because I don't know who I am or how i"m suppose to dress and act. I know nothing about make up or fashion and so I don't feel like a woman. I feel like a kid. I don't know how to dress to flatter my figure as much as I dislike it.
I dont' know who I am or what I'm suppose to be doing now that I am a woman. I like to run around and have fun and joke around. I like to kid and to laugh ride rides at theme parks and scream and whoop and laugh not worrying about what ppl think of me. I don't know how to act like a grown up woman and drink tea or coffee and talk about politics or fashion or make up. I don't know how to talk or think like a grown up woman. When I look in the mirror I see the soul and spirit of a kid having to live in a woman's body. The grown ups around me say I am mature for my age, I'm not , they only say that cause I am easy to talk to, and I good at understanding what others are going through.
I don't know who I am. When I wear cloths nothing ever feels like hey this is me this outfit has me written all over it. I wear it cause it fits and looks ok. Ppl around me say different shades of bright kelly green type colors look great on me that they are my color. And yes I love to wear that color, but when I wear them their collars turn yellow or fade really badly. It's some chemical in my skin we don't know what causes it. But It really makes me sad because I love to wear greens. When I look at these cloths in the wemons sections at stores I can't see myself wearing them and when I try them on and look in the mirror I'm like who in the heck is that, it's not me. Yet when I put on embelished jeans and t shirts it feels more like me. But I still don't know who I am or what "my special style" is. I can't really connect with other college students I feel like a lil kid maybe 10 years old next to them cause they dress like MEN AND WEMON in nice pressed shirts and kakies for the boys. and the girls wear skirts and dresses and sily tops and dainty heeled shoes and their hair is always pretty and perfect. When I put on make up or spray my hair and fix it up to make it look nice I feel like I"m wearing a halloween costume and they can see right through it. They don't talk to me and if they do they only exchange a few sentences with me. They don't try to get to know me or make me feel like I belong. I don't belong anywhere. I'm either to young or to old no matter how old I get. Everyone says I'm mature for my age and that I'm a real woman but I certaintly don't act like it much less feel like it. I try to act like a woman should and dress like one but when I do I feel like and imposter or a lier.
I dont' know who I am or where I belong. I don't know what I'm meant to do in life. I'm going to college for a career I'm not in the least interested in. But it's really the only choice i have with good insurance, good pay, flexible work hours and to where I can work at home if need be. I dont' feel old enough to be taking subjects like medical termonology or anatomy or psycology. I dont' know how i make such good grades to have such a good GPA because I dont' remember enough of it to even justify being able to pass the classes yet somehow I do even though I didn't learn anything and I dont' remember anything. I dont' think anyone knows who I am how can they when I dont' even know who I am.
Who Am I? Where Do I Belong? Is There Anything About Me That Says Who I Am That Is Actualy True? (I'm not mature or as smart as ppl say or think I am) I'm so numb to myself and about myself that I always feel so alone that I'm not even with myself. How can you be so alone that even your're not with yourself? *sigh*
Love,
~Star~ ( if that's even who or part of who I am......)