Star's Stellar Journal

Somethings Missing....

Hey Everyone,

I dunno what my prob is today, but I keep feeling like something is missing.  Something I use to have....so I know it's not a guy in my life so don't even mention it :P.  Just things don't feel the same anymore somany things are happening all at once.  We got our lil graduation ordering packets today.  You know the ones where you can get caps and gowns and lil memory and school pride stuff like Class of 2005 shirts...etc...  The stuff in there is so exspensive I doubt I will be able to get stuff out of it....didn't really like the stuff in it anyway.  I'd rather get my car fixed.

As my Best Friend Ashton would say," It's just been one of those days, I've been really nuetral."......  God I miss him :"(  *wipes eyes*  .  Ashy if you are reading this I really miss you and hope to talk to you over the holidays.

I Don't really know if I'm looking forward to the holidays or  not...I  mean sure I'm looking forward to the break from school and all the stress there, ya know the  having to deal with preps and rude guys and stuff.  But I dunno if I"m looking forward to the holidays.  I mean sure the holiday in general is always fun...but being with my family.

I mean I love them and stuff..but it's like adam and Brad ( my cousin) are the only kids around I mean they are always asking them how their lives are going etc...and now that adam is married it's as I told you before it's  how's married life etc....but it's like I'm only a senior in highschool I have nothing going on in my life....I could run off outside and like hide in the forest or in the basement and like be reading a book or something..and they'd never notice I was gone it's the same no matter what holiday it is.

Last yr my dad yelled at me for something I don't remember what is was for...but I ran into the back room and cried myself to sleep no body even noticed.....till halfway through the meal when mom turn aroudn to ask if I had taken my meds and I wasn 't there.  She found me asleep....no body even noticed that my eyes were puffy and my face was red....

I guess I'm just not important cause I'm not out on my own yet...I know yall must think that I'm just wanting attention or I'm being a selfish brat or something but I can't help feeling this way...cause it's the same anytime I'm with my family.  All they talk about is Adam  and carrie and married life....  and Brad being out on his own working and stuff.

I duno what to think of myself crying over something like that, but I'm always depressed over the holidays because of that.  The only thing I love about the holidays is getting a break from school and my fake smiles and attitudes, because when I'm  home alone and mom and dad are at work I can be in the mood that I feel like being in that day.  If I feel like crying, welll then I'll cry till I'm cried out.  Well...I feel like a cry right now so I'll see you all later I guess...bye

Love,

~Star~

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