I have been trying to write this for a couple of days now but just couldn't seem to put the words in front of me to read. It always amazes me how something that happens in one split second can change alot of people's lives. The life you knew before that second is forever gone, never to be seen again.
On May 4th (11 days ago) my world along with my mom's world changed forever. My stepdad (for the last almost 20 years) died in his sleep and my mom was the one that found him. He was a diabetic and had been sick off and on for a long while now and for the last year we knew his health was not good. The thing is, the last few weeks he seemed to be doing pretty good for the shape he was in. He did not seem to be suffering and he was at home and happy.
When I got the call around 10 am on that Thursday morning I can't even remember what my response was. All I knew was I needed to get to the hospital. They did not tell me right then that he was already gone but what I was told was he probably would not make it. I got to the hospital as soon as I could and right then I knew, it was bad.....he was already gone. Basically all they did at the hospital was pronounce him dead.
I felt like I went back in time to when I was 13 years old and my mom told me my dad had died. So, here we were going through this all over again. I was angry. I shouted over and over to my pastor and anybody else that was in the room that this is not fair. It is NOT fair that we are having to go through this twice.
I am an only child, along with my cousin that my parents raised, which by the way, I am very thankful had moved back to my moms about a week or so before this happened, so mom was not alone when she found my stepdad. As the only child, I had to quickly push away my anger and my hurt to try to be there for mom. I started making calls and getting things ready for the funeral home and just getting things done that mom was not able to do. It gave me a taste of how things will be if my husband passes away before I do, and I do not look forward to going through that.
Luckily my mom has 3 wonderful sisters that got to the hospital about the same time I did so when we finally left the hospital and went to the house they were able to step in and do the physical stuff I was not able to do before people started coming by. Anyway, 11 days later I am still trying to wrap my brain around all of this and I am really worried about my mom. I have always known she is a tough woman, but I'm not and I worry about her. She went back to work today so I am hoping that will be good for her.
I am having to deal with this now because I had to push alot of things aside to be there for her and it is hard. I can't believe I have lost two dads. My stepdad wasn't perfect but he loved me. He loved me from the time we met til the day he died. I wasn't his stepdaughter to him, I was his daughter. For him to be with my mom knowing she had a teenager that had a load of health problems and to be willing to help finish raising me, he was a good man.
He always told me he would never try to replace my real dad, but he just wanted to be my friend......and that he was. I am really going to miss him. I already do. I just wanna hear him joke around with me and try to embarrass me (he loved to make people laugh) one more time.
The part I am having a hard time dealing with right now is I realize that as our lives changed in an instant, everybody else's life kept going. I have friends that have been there for me, and I really appreciate it.....but they could never totally understand because they haven't been through this. I get angry sometimes because I just wanna scream and say "Don't you realize my life will never be the same, don't you even care?!?" But I do realize life has to go on, whether it is the same as it was before or not.
Life somehow.......has to go on.
Take Care and God Bless,