Amber's Abode

Fear Revisited

I'm really not sure what I feel like writing here.  I'm OK pain wise, but really jumbled emotionally, which the doctors say it's to be expected, after a total hysterectomy, (and I'm only one week post operative) but it's hard to live through, especially when you've just been robbed and nobody is doing anything.  I just want to be held for a long long time.  To sleep and wake up in my love's arms, and feel totally relaxed and safe.  Why does that seem to be too much to ask?

I am glad that my pain is much less now.  Up until the day before yesterday, culminating in that day, the pain was unbearable, and I have lived through a lot of pain.  I have been shown a picture of my incisions and resulting bruise which I cannot post here due to the area of my body it is in/what is also in the picture, but it's pretty bad.  My doctor said they pulled out 10 fibroids, and that the stretching these caused, along with a bunch of scarring, made my uterus into the shape of Mickey Mouse.  Not just the body.  Ears and all.  I will see those pictures when I go for my postop visit two weeks from today.  I will not post those either, but I've been told some of them were pretty big.

And yes, I did say robbed.  When I got back from the hospital, Daniel and I both noticed that the laptop that he brought over to use for working on the website update and other things while he was here; and also keeping my medical records in a secure place, was gone.  And I did say nothing has been done because that is true too.  It was either someone off the street, which is unlikely because they would've taken the lockboxes in office and the medication in my room, or it was someone who works here regularly.  And I have my educated suspicions, but I have made no formal accusations toward particular people, only writing toward the company who allowed this to happen and asking for written documentation ensuring me that it is been taken care of properly.  As of now I've been told by members of the state that no report has been filed, like they are supposed to, when people here lied to me straightfaced and told me that it had been filed.  They also told me that because the laptop was not listed as mine, they were not going to do anything about it.  Even though I was in my possession, and my private space that they were supposed to secure while I was gone.

I'm not taking this lying down, for my sake as well as Daniel's.  Letters have been written and lawyers have been contacted.  Because of the second fact, that is all I will say about the happenings for now.

But from a feeling perspective, it's really thrown me for a loop.  The fact that either the house was on secure enough for someone to waltz right in and take it; or one of my caregivers, the people who see me in my most vulnerable states every day is really scary.

There are other things I can write about for now, but I'm in too much pain to think, so I will post this.

But in a positive ending type of spirit, I will say that I'm proud of myself for my ability to handle all the things that seems to be thrown at me in rapid succession lately.  Because they warned me about out-of-control emotions, I've been trying to spend more time in positive meditative states, whatever that means for me in the moment.  This is helping balance out some of the roller coaster, and Daniel has been awesome too, as per usual.  And some new friends have been helpful as well.

This, too, shall pass...

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