I'm not even sure what I feel like writing. I'm not even sure what happened to me today. Maybe the world was thrown all out of balance because another Golden Girl died; rest in peace Rue McClanahan.
What happened to me was that I was violated. Again.
Yesterday, before I went to my counseling appointment, I didn't get any of the supposed set up for the day. No food for breakfast, no medicine to take with me to take around lunch, and most dangerously around here, no water in my 2 L carrier. Because no caregivers showed up. This is the usual in my morning now, but I had to go somewhere. If Daniel had not shown up early or at all, I would've had to go to my appointment without anything needed to survive, in 100° heat.
So, as Daniel usually does for me, he made notes on what he saw happening. He only makes notes on what he himself sees or experiences. He is an advocate for me on those things, but the other little annoying things like dinner time or whatever, I'm on my own. He chose to communicate with the state about the lack of food and water and medication when he went home. Totally separate from me, although I am grateful. That's not the violating thing.
What was is it that my caregiver took a phone call while she was caring for me. This is also usual. Annoying, but usual. Apparently the caller informed her that Daniel called the state. First of all, they were not supposed to name names. Secondly, and more important for me, she was not supposed to hang up the phone, turn on me and ask me if I had a problem with my care because I had told someone they weren't giving me my medicine. I was being cared for. Hanging in a lift contraption. Totally offguard.
The state has repeatedly informed me that this would never happen and I should never be scared of reporting anything to them or having anything reported on my behalf because my care and safety would never suffer. This is why I never report things on my own. Because this is what happens. Every single fucking time, no matter what anybody ever says about anything to the contrary.
I knew she was trying to bait me into spilling my entire guts about the subject, which would've also been inappropriate, not to mention pointless. So despite her repeated attempts to tell me that I could always talk to her if I had a problem, even if it was with her, I just kind of sputtered through it like the terrified little girl gasping for air that I had suddenly turned back into. This was and is exactly like living in my parents home. I thought I handled it really well, considering. I didn't throw her any bones, that I was aware of at least. She will just have to wait for the official meeting.
But afterwards, sitting in the laundromat around the corner with Daniel's loads in process, trying to read my Kindle, this ball of energy just slammed into me, and it hasn't left. I'm so completely screwed up at the moment. Tiny tremors all over my body nonstop, really bad muscles spasm pain, and upset stomach. The energy is just exploding out of my body, some form of anger and pain and horny because I want to feel something good comes from it, and like this manic form of creative energy all at once. When I was in Portland like this, and it happened somewhat regularly, I went and did karaoke. Send it out through song. Here, I haven't found any outlets like that yet.
And of course, when we got back, some lady that works for this company was here going over the med books, which I'm sure have been filled out to prove that they did indeed provide the medicine, you know, the game of cover yourself, anyway, they were whispering for quite a while. Maybe about me, maybe not, but again, a very triggering reminder of growing up.
I tried to go to my new online fellowship, their word, of Al-Anon, which I discovered yesterday, and for the curious is a program for people whose life has been touched by a substance abuser, not for substance abusers themselves. Although people might fit into both fellowships. The people really were nice and helpful yesterday, but nobody was there today. Not so far. I need to find a real-life meeting.
And of course, when I need to be just held, the person that I would ask is sick and in pain themselves, so just the simple thing of physical comfort is impossible. I wonder if we will ever be able to just lay beside each other with no one around.
If my friend Danielle reads this, I want you to know that I've developed a new appreciation for what you and your loved one go through, even though I am able to verbally communicate with Daniel, we have to talk in such whispers and codewords sometimes that it doesn't feel like it. I think of you guys everyday and I hope you are doing well.
I thought writing this might help. Oddly it hasn't, but it's written now, so I will post it.
I'm so glad I gave them my money to start fundraising for my dog today. That's one thing that I know that will help with balance a lot.