Amber's Abode

Mission impossible?: Finding balance

This has been wanting to be written for days, because it's been stewing in my brain and heart but I'm not sure what will come out.  I've been thinking a lot about trying to find balance between extremes.

The biggest example I can think of right now is trying to find a balance between being hopeful that things will turn out exactly like I want them to be, and being realistic minded, like this is just the way things are for now and I just have to keep my head down and power through and know that things aren't going to get incredibly better so that I don't get my hopes up.

Practically speaking, what I mean is this.

I came here to Arizona out of necessity because I knew I would die if I didn't.  But I also came because I wanted a better life, not just to survive.  So it was a combination of both.

I really don't know how to explain why I'm having trouble finding the balance in words that might make sense to other people, but I will try.

When I was young, I was Pollyanna, pure and simple.  The world was great, Jesus loves me, and I knew I was going to be something great when I grew up.  I knew I was going to surpass everyone's expectations.  Nothing could get me down.  And I would always try to cheer others up.  I had a Bible verse that I could pull out of my butt for any occasion.

Then, life happened.  Or, just one day, I woke up to the fact that life was happening to me.  Some bad things, not all just sunshine and daisies.  Some things I couldn't just explain away by saying it was God's will.  From the time I realized that until the time I got on the plane to come here, I lived pretty much the exact opposite of Pollyanna, very cynical and avoiding church, etc.  Discovering that there were different groups of people who were just as valid.  Discovering my place among people I would have avoided before, and other ways of thinking besides just Jesus loves me.  I'm not trying to offend any Christians out there, I still identify as Christian at the core, just way more open-minded than I was raised to be.  And so I just kind of adopted a darker this is the way it is put my head down and power through type of attitude.

Then came the love, true and complete and real love, of Daniel.  Not just I love you when it's convenient or I love you even when I'm not supposed to.  This new love started to teach me that I was worth more than everything I was going through in Portland; because I had been resigned to the fact that what I knew was all there was.  But when I started to know I was worth more, I began to feel like fighting for myself again, began to feel what you would call hope.

And that hope made my belief in myself stronger, belief that I could change what was happening to me; belief that I had to.  So I got on that plane for me.  To save my life.  Being near Daniel and other people who care is just the icing on the cake, although it's very good icing.

But then came real life again.  Hospital visits, way less than stellar living conditions.  So now, out of necessity, I'm back to mostly the opposite of Pollyanna, just putting my head down and powering through.

But people around me are starting to get the impression that I'm totally giving up on trying to make things better for myself here because I'm just so focused on getting through the moment.  I even utter why bother or why did I bother type of statements sometimes, simply because it's frustrating that I'm still going through many of the things that I did in Portland, even though this situation and place is supposed to be better for me.  I don't mean that I'm completely giving up, but that's what it sounds like to people on the outside, I guess.

And so I apologize to the people I hurt with this at least outer attitude.  Daniel specifically, because he works hard every day to be there for me and help me do what I need to do to get where I need to go.

Inside, I know I'm not completely giving up.  But it just feels like going around a hamster wheel sometimes, and I'm so tired.  I thought that would all disappear when I came here, and it's frustrating to learn that I was wrong.

And it feels safer right now to just acknowledge the hamster wheel and keep running around it rather than be too hopeful about escaping.  Because Pollyanna is not reality.

My reality right now is that I live here, in a place where I had to sign a waiver to go out the door by myself and where they make me go to bed at 8:00 PM.  So it seems counterproductive to be hopeful about the day, which is supposedly very soon, when I will be free of this place and into a better one.  After all, Jesus is coming back too.  Reportedly very soon.

But I need to find some hope about both of these events, because although they don't change my life now, they will make my life completely better when they do happen.

So my quandary for now is how to find the balance between the two states of being; completely dark and focused on survival and seemingly without hope for anything better in the future because it's better to be realistic; or waiting for Mr.  Pennington to show up in his white bus with the design crew and sweep me off on a weeks vacation, after which he will show me the completely accessible, custom designed for me, multimillion dollar house he has built for me, mortgage free, of course.

Does anybody else, especially my disabled readers, deal with this type of struggle?  How do or did you get through it?  Because I know I will get through it, and I do still believe there is brighter light at the other end of this tunnel, and I believe I will get there no matter what.

It's just dealing with my head and heart in the meantime that is proving really difficult.

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