Amber's Abode

Victoria can keep her secret.

Had a very hard but interesting experience yesterday that I'm proud of myself for.  I went with a friend to Victoria's Secret, but the first time in my life.  I needed to know what size I am, because I own no bras that fit me.  They size for free, so in we went.  Immediately, I started getting "what the hell are you doing in our store" types of looks from all the workers there, who fancy themselves models.  I wanted to turn and run, but I stayed.  Even after the worker who didn't want to touch me and made my friend hold the measuring tape so she wouldn't have to announced my size loudly and then added that she wasn't sure they had anything in that size.  They did, but they must have had to really search for it, because she helped everyone before us.

Meanwhile, she was complementing my friend on how beautiful she looked.  Everyone was.  Eventually, my normally quiet friend got so frustrated for me that she insisted the supermodel measure her too, which she did, starting to gush about how she was sure they had lots of pretty styles in her size.  But supermodel shut up pretty quickly when she discovered that my friend and I are almost exactly the same size!  She backed out quickly and I felt better.

The hardest part for me was sitting topless in front of full-length mirror for about a half hour.  I don't do mirrors, so this was very uncomfortable for me, but once again, I stayed.  Got me thinking in a very in-your-face way how so much of my body image, and probably everyone's, but especially persons with disabilities, are affected, for good or bad, by the voices other people put in their heads.  But imagining someone there complimenting me, I was able to eventually break free and feel pretty, which was a pretty amazing feeling.  But I won't go back there.  I don't want to know Victoria's secret that badly.

Afterwards, we rewarded ourselves for the grueling experience by going to the build a bear workshop.  I made a monkey named Merlin, and my friend made a dog named Dale.  We had a gift card, so it was free.  The day before that, I went with another friend to see the movie Where the Wild Things Are.  I recommend that movie especially for anyone who remembers the book or who had an imaginative childhood.  The dialogue is a little sparse, but that's okay because the cinematography is awesome.

I'm struggling with the amount of goodbyes I have gone through and have yet to go through.  I have one more week as of today.  Tonight is the last poker game, tomorrow the last karaoke night.  After that, I'm keeping my nights free, mostly because I need to try to change my sleeping schedule a little bit.  I'm avoiding feeling overwhelmed by just focusing on one day at a time.

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