I figure I should update my readers, but I don't know how coherent this will be, because I'm bone tired. I'm not sure why except maybe that I've just finished the antibiotics for my latest bladder infection, and they are leaving my body with one final huge push of weakness and fatigue. And the bad news is that by the looks of it, the latest round did not completely clear me out of infection. I get the catheter change by home health in the morning (which I completely dread because it hurts like hell and the nurses always pick on me for being so whiny about it), and then tomorrow afternoon I go to the urologist to check things out. Bet you dollars to donuts I still have/have another infection. If that's the case, more antibiotics for another week. I want to weep. It's not even my fault. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. Because of Daniel's gift of a water bag, I carry 2 liters on my chair every day, and I'm usually through all of it for most of it by the time they put me to bed. This is a huge change and big accomplishment for me. It's the people "caring" for me that are falling down on the job. My catheter tube is supposed to be cleaned at least once a day by shooting a syringe full of water, preferably sterile, into the catheter tube, thereby unclogging it and killing germs. Goodbye infection. It's very easy. When I was in the nursing home one block away from me, they did it twice a day with vinegar water. Slightly more uncomfortable for me, but even more effective at killing germs. But nobody is "allowed" to do that here, so I'm stuck.
That's one of the biggest reasons why I need to make my journey. Likely it will mean going back into a nursing home setting for a little while, which I am honestly dreading after a year of having my own really nice room, (in nursing homes, one almost always has a roommate, possibly more than one) but since I need that type of care in order to get better and survive and thrive anyway, I know I will just put my head down so to speak and plow through and deal with whatever is necessary in order to get me home, healthy, and thriving. I have to. I don't really have a choice, because dying prematurely, physically or spiritually, when it is preventable, is not an option for me.
So I'm getting kind of tired of random people telling me that I shouldn't go, mostly because it's really hot. Stop it already. I get the memo. It's freaking hot in Arizona in the summer. But if you were pretty sure you would die otherwise, wouldn't you find a way to deal with 3 1/2 months of extreme heat in order to get to have the rest of the months of perfect weather for you and your health? Because it pretty much is life or death for me. I'd rather live with 3 1/2 months of extreme heat that I probably won't go out in than 9 1/2 months of cold and soggy weather that I can't go on in without killing the wheelchair and/or getting sick! And air conditioned buildings and cars are the law there. So please stop telling me about your tennis shoes that melted to the pavement when you went out, the time you landed in the ER with heatstroke because for some reason you forgot to drink water or find shade, etc. etc.. I know I will be pretty miserable the first summer there while my body is adjusting, especially. But if it's between miserable and dead, I'll take miserable any day. Anyway, that's why I'm planning on going relatively soon, so I will have time to get ready before summer comes again.
It still won't be tomorrow, or next week, because I'm still gathering money and information. Sincere thanks to everyone who has helped me with both endeavors. But it will be soon.
In other news, I haven't heard anything about my grandpa for a couple weeks. My family is not into keeping me in the loop without me begging for information, which I'm getting tired of doing. Last I heard, he had left the hospital and was headed for a rehab facility (read nursing home) near his house for a week. That was about a week and a half ago actually, so I'm assuming that no news is good news and he is out of the rehab and at home. I know I should probably call someone to find out but like I said, I am utterly exhausted from continually having to beg them to treat me like I'm part of the family. I don't want to do it anymore, so I'm pretty much not going to. They know my number.
Also, my friend Max's grandmother died about a week ago now. She was really frail and had fallen out of bed the night before and not been found until the next morning. She didn't appear to be injured outwardly, but for the rest of that day, she kind of floated between worlds. At 10:45 p.m., she went on to the next one. A lot of her family was with her, except for Max, who is on his own health journey, and is currently housebound/bedbound. This is really really hard for Max as they were very close. And now, Max, who has always been very supportive of me, is scared to see me move because he doesn't want to be left by everyone at once. I completely understand this, and I feel really bad, but as stated before, it's life or death for me, it's that type of decision, and I won't be very much good to Max or anyone if I'm dead.
Max, in case you read this, you have been my best friend for a very long time, and seen me through a lot of things. We've seen each other through a lot of things. I would never do anything to break that connection. But we have the type of connection that will never be broken by any kind of distance, be it between states, or if you or I move into the next world before the other one. We will always be connected whatever happens. I will always keep you updated by phone, which is the main way we communicate now anyway. I will have Daniel call you when I can not, if I don't have my own phone set up, or I can call you from his house. So don't be scared that I'm leaving you, because I'm not.
But as far as moving my body a little further away into the sun, I have to, to keep that body alive. You have been my biggest supporter on this when we have talked before. But I understand your fear now. I can't take the fear away, all I can do is make the promises that I will always be connected to you in every way possible, that I will come and see you at least once or twice more before I leave, and that the day that I leave isn't going to be really really soon because I still have lots to do. And I'm going to need your prayer and energy support from this end as well. I love you very much. You make my life better by being in it. Thank you for everything, always.
Everyone else, please pray for me as well, and for Max and his entire family in this time of transition for everybody.
I love you all.