Amber's Abode

A little needy

So, I'm kind of scared right now.  I'm kind of scared to write this blog because I'm not sure exactly what will come out.  But I've been doing a lot of thinking and crying lately, and I know I need to make some huge changes.  I need to start asking for things I need from people and situations.  Instead of always doing things for others or just letting life and pain wash over me.  To that end, I need to actually think about and state what I do need.  This might evolve over several blogs, but we will see what comes out for now.

  • I need to be a whole person, not just what's inside my head.  That may seem strange to you, but when a person is physically disabled and their body is seen as broken and a problem and ugly etc.  etc.  by everyone around them, they learn it to.  I used to joke that me and my body divorced years ago.  Well we need to get back together.  I am, or I really want to be a whole person, with a body that is the house of my spirit, and valuable, and worthwhile, and maybe, just maybe, even beautiful.
  • Under this is the need to be sexually positive, finding some kind of way to express that part of myself by myself outside of but in addition to whatever relationship I may have.  I do not wish to be offensive to anybody, and I'm not suggesting cheating on whatever relationship I have.  But I don't have one now, and I still have the same needs.  I.e.  I get horny just like everyone else, maybe even more.  Most people don't think about or talk about this because disabled people aren't supposed to be sexual, but we are.  At least I know I am.  And whether or not they admit it, most people, when they get horny and are single and/or don't have anyone around at the time to help them ease this ache, they ease it themselves.  They masturbate.  Probably not as fulfilling for most as experience with a partner, but at least it helps to take the edge off.  Well this simple task for most people is impossible for me, by myself.  And then even if I got a toy or a group of toys, I would need another set of hands to help me place them or use them, and I don't have that right now.  None of the workers in the building where I live would be allowed to help me even by handing me something, because of too much potential to somehow be reported for abuse.  I understand this and I'm not about to put anyone's position in jeopardy.  But I do actively need to work on finding some solution for this.  Not necessarily a long-term partner, as I need to work through some stuff before I would be useful to anyone as a partner, but maybe a therapist or a doctor I could talk to about adaptive solutions?  I don't know.  And I don't know if it would work for me just to have a stranger or a casual friend come over just to help me out with actual release.  Because I'm one of those people that feel that is something is shared with whoever else is in the room, like an energy exchange.  So I'm kind of thinking I would need someone who actually wants to be there and enjoys being there.  I don't know if that makes any sense to anybody, but this is my blog.

Do any of my readers have any practical suggestions regarding this?  And please don't write comments just to say that masturbation is wrong or that I shouldn't be thinking sexual thoughts.  If you think that, it's fine.  But your comments would not be helpful to me.  Because in my reality it's necessary, not extremely necessary every day, but sometimes.  And when it gets really necessary, it's pretty consuming, which is not a good thing.  I do have or more accurately have had, just a couple of people in the past willing to help me with this.  But neither one of them are really in situations where they can right now, so I would prefer trying to find solo solutions at first instead of recruiting more people.  My spirit is a little too confused right now to add more people with that sort of connection or "job" into the mix.  But I remain open to all suggestions.

  • I need more friends, instead of just acquaintances.  Right now, I can count the number of people I would call real friends on one hand.  And most of them are not local to me right now.  The couple that are, well, they are in the midst of their own problems at the moment and not really able to be present for me.  So I need to find ways to branch out and meet more people, preferably not all in bars or nighttime situations.  Because I need people that I can call when I'm hurting or crying and ask them to come over and have some that actually will and can.  I am working on this already, but I'm trying to make this blog a complete list.
  • I need my friends and family to understand that I'm touch positive, which is different and outside of anything sexual.  I.e.  please hug me or hold my hand or whatever you would do for anyone else.  The real version of these things, not just that infernal shoulder squeeze or head patting given as if people are afraid to catch my disability.  This is part of teaching me again that I am a whole person.
  • I need my friends and family to understand that I am an adult.  So while I value their help or suggestions, I do not take orders, nor am I going to give them access to my phone records or financial records or anything I deem private.  They can no longer, and should never have, take any of my belongings or relationships away from me.
  • I need my health.  I need to somehow figure out how to stay free of infections and get stronger so that I can have more energy to be more active part of my own life.  I need people in the medical system and beyond to believe in me and that I am worthwhile and my health is a worthwhile goal.
  • I need new hobbies and interests.  But going out and finding them hinges on getting my health back first.
  • I need more money.  I don't know how I can make more that no one would take away from me and I am working on it, but I would welcome any suggestions.  Both for essentials but I'm always running out of, and some things just for fun.
  • I need to travel.  This is the biggest thing I'm trying to save money for right now.  My goal right now is to visit Arizona, where a good portion of my long distance friends live.  I just need a change of scenery to make me feel less emotionally claustrophobic, and if I can figure out how to get there and make it work, I might actually stay.  This is because I have discovered that part of the need to be my own person includes finding my own place in the country, where most of my family and other sometimes negative influences in my life don't live.  Arizona is also a thought because I need sunshine.  This gray rainy business for like nine months in Oregon really doesn't work for me or my spirit.  I've also been thinking about going back to my childhood home in Alabama, but the humidity there is worse.  At least in Arizona it's a dry heat.  This is one I really need suggestions on.  I've never traveled by myself, and need to figure out how to raise money for plane tickets and somebody to take with me as an attendant.  Does anyone know of any resources to help?  I would be eternally grateful.

To that end, if anybody donates from now on into my little tip jar, I am going to save up for the travel goal.  PayPal stays out of my bank account until I transfer funds, so it would not get touched for any other reason.

I think that's a good enough start to this list.  It will probably be added to, but for now it's good.  Thank you for reading this and possibly helping me become.  Because although I know that I am, I want to be the best I am that I can be.

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