Okay, so this might turn into more rant than I mean it to be. So fair warning. And it's not directed at anyone in particular, but maybe at a nebulous group of people. It's meant to be more of an update on where I am and why I haven't written anything in forever or communicated with those of you who are used to regularly communicating with me.
The easiest way to describe it would be to borrow from the song lyrics of U2. I'm stuck in a moment. Actually a collection of moments, but the concept is the same. Now before I go explaining a little bit more, I would like to say to that nebulous group of people:
I CAN NOT JUST SNAP OUT OF IT! IF I COULD, I WOULD'VE ALREADY, BECAUSE THIS REALLY SUCKS! AND FOR THE FEW WHO CHOSE TO COMMENT FURTHER IN THEIR ADVICE, I AM NOT LAZY, AND I REALLY DO WANT TO CHANGE THINGS, LIKE WITH SCHOOL OR A JOB, BUT I LACK THE ENERGY RIGHT NOW. HOWEVER THIS IS REAL. I AM NOT MAKING IT UP AND IT'S WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW. THERE IS NO JUST GET OVER IT, SO IF THAT'S ALL YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO SAY, PLEASE DO NOT WRITE OR CALL!
Now for the rest of you who genuinely are caring and concerned. I am depressed, but now I have also been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I am not medicated yet because they're trying to figure out what medicines will work for me. What this means from a practical standpoint for me right now is that anything that requires outside stimulus triggers an adrenaline response. So for three weeks solid, since my first recently documented anxiety attack, there has been adrenaline running through my system, at various levels, but always there. So even when very little is going on, the phone rings for example, I get startled and scared. Adrenaline level up. And if I actually answer the phone and it is something stressful like a friend going through a divorce needing help or a friend trying to get me to come out and dance or sing when I don't feel equipped to be adequate in any of the above situations, (hugs and apologies to Nick and Incoded) or so-called family that calls and shows up in five minutes without warning, then the adrenaline level go way way up and I get dizzy and actually sick to my stomach. I have lost its entire contents on the bus, in public, and at home, multiple times recently. Very embarrassing. I also really honestly very tired. Pretty much all the time.
Even things that I used to love, like poker and karaoke, I avoid. This is scary to me, because I'm usually very very social. But now I really don't like people. And the shallow people of poker are especially annoying. I've been making myself go at least once a week anyway because right now the monthly prize is a really big Fred Meyer gift card, which I really really need right now. But after this month, I imagine that will stop as well, at least until they get some medicine figured out.
Right now the only three activities that don't trigger adrenaline responses and/or extreme amounts of pain are sleeping, reading, and watching TV or a movie. So I've been doing a lot of that. There are days when I don't even turn on my computer. But I have discovered what I will get with my Christmas money, if I get any. It's called a Kindle by Amazon. It's an e-book reader, but you don't have to have a computer. It's wireless, and the screen is free of glare. It's amazing. The screen actually looks like paper. And the buttons are easy to push. I actually got to try one at my friend Patti's apartment. I'm grateful for her. She moved in here last weekend with similar disabilities to me and she can hear and she is younger than most here and likes to play video games and read. So I can go down to her apartment sometimes when I get really lonely. But anyway, the current Kindle costs like $350, so I will be waiting a while saving up, but she says she will try to help me write a grant for it or something. So we will see.
Anyway, they just gave me my sleeping medicine, so I'm going to go try to sleep. Pretty much impossible at night because my brain won't shut up. I will try to be better about contact, but please be patient. I know I will eventually get through this, but for right now, all I can do is ride it out. I am one of the ones that was very excited at the history making presidential election, but it still remains to be seen whether he can keep his promises, and even if he does, it's not going to affect my life in particular for a little while. Still I feel American more now somehow. Like for whatever reason I'm more engaged in the process.
I have to wonder though, I wonder if he too will need Ativan soon. :-).