Amber's Abode

Thanksgiving

Well, I had to eat a meal with my mom, her boyfriend or whatever he is, and my sister and brother-in-law over by where I used to live yesterday.

I made it through!  A little bruised and battered, but I'm okay.  There were the usual very hurtful comments about my appearance and my weight, but mostly they talked to each other while I listened or they plugged into their respective laptops.  It was weird.  I found out that my mom and my sisters went to Lloyd Center Mall without me the other day, and that was hurtful but not surprising.

Moms boyfriend kept asking me what I do.  He wanted me to answer about some job or something.  People always do that to me.  I felt bad because I don't do anything, but then I got this wild urge to tell him that what I do is sing karaoke in gay bars.  I managed to stay still but I was asked what was so funny because apparently I couldn't keep the laughter off of my face.  I told them there was another spasm, which they bought because I was in a peculiar lot of spasm pain yesterday.  It really hurt because no one has been here as far as a home health nurse to change the tube they were supposed to change three days ago. 

Nobody really cared about my pain though.  They just wanted me to go home early because seeing me like that makes them really uncomfortable.  So I stayed.  Evil grin.

I think the hardest part was at the end when I for some reason said I love you to my mom.  I know better than that.  It always hurts because she never ever says anything back.  And everybody, including the bus driver, waited through the following long seconds of inevitable deafening silence.  And nobody hugs me.  Finally, trying not to cry outside myself, I got onto the wheelchair lift.  Something made me look up, and when I did, I saw an almost full moon.  Very beautiful.  It followed me home, comforting me.

Through all the struggles of this past year, I remain honestly thankful for a lot of different things.

For the fact that I am not in a nursing home anymore, no matter how far away from "civilization" my new house is.

For people that are in my chosen family, those that have been there for a little while like Pony and Hot Toddy, Nick, Max, Daniel, Jax, Bobbi, Gene and others.  Thank you all, named and unnamed, for making my life full even if it is sometimes small.  I love you.

For new people in my family, who are showing me that you don't necessarily have to know someone in person to genuinely care about them. 

Syriana, these weeks with your added input and positive energy have been amazing.  I think you and our partner in crime will eventually get me used to this Princess thing after all.  Smile.  Hopefully, our friendship will last a long time.  Who else is going to remind me that I can walk on water?

And Jess and Marc, your continued kindness and generosity is amazing to me, especially since I've never yet been able to do anything for you guys.  Thank you so much.  And I promise that if I ever do get to meet you in person, you will get huge hugs.

I love you all.  Now go enjoy some leftovers!

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