Amber's Abode

Somebody please tell me that there is a point to all of this. Anybody?

Today, it's gray and snowing off and on.  The feeling of being trapped inside has brought all these other feelings crashing down on me at once.  So, it is truth time. 

I'm not doing very well at all today. 

I'm angry.  I'm very angry that I'm here where I don't belong.  Especially because the whole thing is needless anyway.  I was only forced to get the catheter because people didn't want to do their jobs, and I almost died because they didn't want to do their jobs afterwards either.  So here I am, having lost my apartment and independence and most of my money and dignity, and there is still no definite light at the end of the tunnel. 

I've been crying more off and on, with nobody usually in my presence to care about it or hold me, so I'm lonely.  Right now, I'm also horny with no outlet for that, either.  I know when one of my friends reads this, he will be thinking I keep telling you to try Craig's list.  Well, that may work for him, but I don't think it would work for me, because I believe that you have to be at least a little connected with someone before you make them into a physical partner.  That sounded like a slam on my friend, and I didn't mean it to be.  It's my own block.  Maybe I'm asking for too much because I can't afford to be picky, I don't know, but it's just this feeling I can not get around. 

I'm exhausted from spending all kinds of both physical and mental energy to try and make things better for myself and other people.  I know this is not true, but most of the time it feels like no one notices.  People want me to label and compartmentalize myself, and I can't. 

None of these things are any good by themselves, but in combination they really really really suck. 

I'm even homesick for a home I never really had.  How screwed up is that? 

Somebody please wake me up. 

Sigh. 

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