I figure I'll write a little while I have the room to myself. My roommate went to the hospital while I was at a nearby friend's watching a movie last night. But nobody warned me when I got back, so when I came into the room, I kind of freaked out. Some people think she will be back, but I will be really surprised if she does come back. She's tired and ready to leave her life here. It's her family that's in denial.
Other things are showing me that I really need to leave here. But I think last night took the cake. When I was going out the door to visit my friend three blocks away at around 9 p.m., the director of nurses made me sign an informed consent saying that I was aware of the risks to my health to leave the building because I was already sick and it was cold and slightly rainy. I couldn't believe it. That's when I started thinking that I have to go, now.
I've been here seven months today. I found out that the place where I want to end up did not have an admissions person over the summer, so the waiting list is now a year long, and I am number three. So I started thinking about options. I could stay here and have the old and dying spirit surrounding me but be basically able to keep my own hours, but also have no money to do anything with those hours. Or I could temporarily move into a foster home and have a little bit more money, a quieter place to heal myself in body and spirit, slightly more attentive care, but no way to keep my own hours, and possibly really small living quarters.
To me this is a real struggle, trying to figure out which one would be better. It literally feels like six in one and half a dozen in the other.
But I know that I've decided to at least pursue actively the foster care option, searching for a good place, and knowing that it will be temporary, because I will end up in my more ideal place in a year or so. Hopefully. But I'm also beginning to fear that they may just be stringing me along about that one. This all feels so overwhelming, like I don't have the energy for it all.
I may not be able to go out as much at night, but maybe that's not the end of the world for a year which I could use to catch up on the good sleep and health I have missed. I literally sometimes feel like I will die relatively soon if I stay here.
So I'm making a list of all the care tasks I need done, taking it to prospective places, and making sure they will be able to do the entire list.
I'm going with my best local friend here, who is also in a chair, to visit a possible place tomorrow. He is going to help me and watch my back, for which I'm very grateful. But I still mostly feel pretty alone with this struggle.
I will keep everyone updated. If someone wants to add their two cents to help me in this debate, feel free to use the comment form.
Time has passed, and I just got back from a meeting with the social worker here who is really nice. She called a guy who runs an independent referral agency for placement of people like me, but even he said the equivalent of don't hold your breath. How comforting.
And the icing on the cake is that I found out that my favorite staff member does not work here anymore, although I have yet to find out why. Sigh.
And so goes my life.